On a Day like Today

Today marks the fourth anniversary of my mom's resurrection.  I am not sure what to do exactly with a day like today.  Of course I miss her.  I want to honor her, but should I commemorate the day in some way?  If so, how?

Four years later I am still haunted by watching her die.  In fact, not so long ago, I looked up the symptoms of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder just to see if they matched my experiences and inability to shake anxiety.  They don't.

I miss the fact that her memory is waning from the grandkids who knew her, and that we don't get to see her delight over those who did not.

While I miss her calm presence in my anxiety-prone way of thinking, I am mostly grateful that she is safe, far from harm.  I imagine that my travel loving mom has made some buddies, and they are exploring Heaven.  Maybe someday she'll share her favorite spots with me :)

So, I pause briefly here to acknowledge the day in between loads of laundry and shuffling kids around.  It's an ordinary day here.

I interrupt these flashback posts....

I don't often see a resemblance between my mom and Savannah, but sometimes it just seems to be there somewhere - like when I pulled up this photo of Savannah.  I immediately thought of the photo of Mom above.  I see it most when Savannah's eyelashes are highlighted.  Mom had such insanely long eyelashes, and Savannah has them too. Mom's were darker and therefore more easy to see.

As I am typing this, Wyatt asks if the picture of Mom is me.  Julia asks if it is Tara.  When I ask Julia if she thinks Mom looks like Savannah, Julia's response is "Tara -it's the eyes."  The irony in Julia's statement is that my friend, Phyllis, insists that Tara and Savannah look alike.  Within the family, we have a harder time seeing that though I do think they are built very much alike.

After closer inspection, I think Savannah and Mom share a similar jawline.  They both have high foreheads, high cheekbones and big, light colored eyes (though Mom's were unmistakably blue and Savannah's are green) and the same eye structure, but their mouths and noses are completely different.

I will let you be the judge - here's Tara!  To be fair to Mom's picture and Savannah's, I converted these to black and white.

One significant difference between Tara and Mom and Savannah is that Tara's eyes are darker-- sapphire blue, like my Dad's.  

Remember that you can click on any picture to see it bigger.

3 years without my mom

As we prepared for the dance yesterday, my mom was not far from my mind.  I remembered that last night with her three years ago.  I was emotionally drained and struggled with getting to the hospital to spend the night with her.  The six of us took turns doing that.  Actually, I think the four girls took turns.  We went in pairs, and nobody else could go that night.  I did not think I could handle it alone, so Andy went with me for an hour or so.  Mom had a rough night -so much pain.  I doubt I was of any comfort because I make a clueless nurse.

Last night we got Savannah ready at her house.  I took pictures in front of the mantel where my mom's butterfly art hangs overhead.  She bought that in China.  I remember how intrigued she was by the work created from real butterfly wings.  She really wanted it but was unsure if we could safely get it home.  I think it was the very last day that she finally splurged on it.  As Tiffany and Tara worked on Savannah's hair and make up, I so wanted Mom's opinion - wanted her to see her granddaughter all dressed up for her first high school formal dance.  Of course we all wish that the three grandchildren she acquired since leaving for Heaven could all know her.

Sometimes three years seems like a long time ago.  Sometimes it seems like yesterday.  It was a brutal year of loss: the school and co-workers I loved, my brother-in-law, and my mom.  Sometimes I think I have recovered, and other times,  I doubt I ever will.

My blog post that appeared shortly after losing mom.  - link

Flashback Friday

2005- Three generations headed to China to meet Julia

Flashback Friday

Today is my mom's birthday.  She would have turned 62 today if she were still with us.  

I got 40 years with her, and we were great friends.  I miss her every single day.

The last photo of Mom and Dad together.

Our last family photo taken just under a year before cancer took her life.

It has been less than two years.  Yet I really see how much my children have changed and grown, and it reminds me of much we've missed her.

The world is such a dangerous place, and sometimes it helps to know that Mom is completely safe, especially in these trying times.  

The Awful Anniversary

Today marks one year since I last talked to my mom, last looked in her eyes, and held her hand for the last time.  So today will be the last that I wear the bracelet in her honor that I have worn almost everyday for several months.  I may wear it on occasion in the future but not daily. More than likely I will pass it on to one of my sisters.  Tomorrow I will change my Facebook picture.  It has been a picture of Mom and me when I was a toddler (see below) for most of the last year.  Today I will remember my mom.  Today I will try to grasp how it can already be a year, how I can still laugh out loud on occasion, and how much I really miss her. I will remove the symbols of grieving and may or may not replace them. 

As the clocks don't stop, and as life would have it, Zach's football banquet is scheduled for tonight.  It fell between losing Mom and her funeral last year, and I imagine that it will be associated with this anniversary until he graduates or until Christ returns whichever comes sooner.

How do we honor her?

Today would have been my mom's 61st birthday.  I miss her all the time and have pondered for months how to honor her today.  Wednesdays are packed here.  For several weeks, I thought we would have ice cream, a favorite treat of Mom's.  Our group of 7 boys meet here on Wednesday nights, so I considered a sundae treat and asking the families to send toppings if they want.  I think we may still do that only I never requested the toppings.  I guess I have some shopping to do.


I can't remember a time when my mom wasn't my best friend.  She would have been the first one I called to share Julia's latest funny comment or Wyatt's latest accomplishment.  She would have been my advisor on Zach's injury, and she would have loved to see the art that Savannah churns out continuously.  She would have cheered them all on in their various endeavors.  Mom put others first, but her feelings would have been hurt if her birthday was forgotten.  I don't think I can forget it now even if she isn't here for it.


Wyatt suggested a visit to the cemetery, and I would make that happen except that it is a 45 minute drive.  Believe me I considered getting everyone out of school early and making it happen before the boys arrive.  However, Savannah does not want to miss what may be her last practice with the field hockey team.  Sigh.  Mom never worried about the date as long as the celebration was close, so maybe we will do something tomorrow.  


I wish I could say that the last few months have been lived in the peace in which she lived her last year.  However, if I tell the truth, my faith has been rocked pretty hard.  It is probably obvious on the blog as I rarely refer to it any more.  I just keep doing life and going through the motions when I have to.  Yet, it is all still strangely surreal, and maybe there is peace in that after all.  I remember she said that we would all have to deal with it in our own way.  I guess we do.


Mom's 60th Birthday Celebration

42 years ago today

It was 42 years ago today that my parents married.  I don't really remember their story.  I know they met through work and that they hadn't known each other long when they married.  They broke off their engagement and then got back together at the last minute and pulled the wedding together.

For whatever reason, they did not have the engagement ring right away, so they bought a ring out of a bubble gum machine.  Mom wore it around, and they both got a kick out of the reactions of their friends.  Apparently, very few people called their bluff and most people oohed and ahed over the obviously fake ring.  This just shows how goofy my parents were right from the start.  They maintained a pretty good sense of humor over the years.  You really have to do that if you are going to raise six kids.

It was my hope that we would be throwing a 50th wedding anniversary party for them someday.  My mom would have loved it,  Dad-not so much.  

It has really crossed my mind this week that life is different without my mom.  I was at my dad's house picking up the kids yesterday and thinking "what would Mom do with this?"  Tiffany and the boys are there so much.  What advice would she have for my widowed sister? Would the kids be driving her nuts, or would she be having a ball with them all there so much?  I wonder if Tony would be here if not for Mom's death.  She was a nurse and may have caught his need for medical intervention if she were here.  

We have continued with our traditions.  The cookouts at my parents house go on, and they are not as hard as you would think because, well, there are so many of us.  Vacation will be different, however.  Tony always spent the day poolside.  It will be strange to head to the pool and not find him there.  Mom was adventurous.  She would go with the group that wanted to ride jet skis and join them.  She would relax in the ocean when the waves were calm.  We would all hang out there and chat.  Mom generally found the condos or house we would rent.  We typically would eat out one meal, and Mom often searched for the restaurant with the right reviews and price point for our dinner out.  Unfortunately, she did not feel well for our last two vacations.  In 2009 she was recovering from major surgery and had to take it easy.  Last year she was battling for her life.  We all decided that we must go on vacation this year, but I wonder if this will be our last one.  Tony felt strongly about vacation.  He worked hard all year for that one week of reprieve.  Mom felt strongly about vacation.  She felt like we were making up for the years when we were kids and did not take vacations...ever.  I am not sure that the rest of us, aside from Josh, feel so strongly about this.  Don't get me wrong.  I think it is very important to take a week away with your family and will always fight to make that happen, but economically, it is so much harder than it used to be, and we go about as cheap as you can.  Vacations for a group as big as ours take lots of planning and hunting for a place to stay, so they are lots of work.  

Someone told me that it takes six months after the death of someone who suffered from a long illness to grieve that person as they were when they were healthy.  I am beginning to understand that as I am beginning to remember my mom when she was healthy and enjoyed travel and adventures and could do things with the grandkids.

I have heard it said that the saddest words in the English language are "what might have been."  That is where I am today, wondering what might have been.

In My Life

While Mom was in the hospital, her TV was on 24 hours a day. I do not know if it brought her comfort or if it brought her some distraction, or if she was too sick to turn it off. None of us felt that we could or should change it, so it stayed on, mostly on HGTV or TLC. During that time TLC ran ads for an upcoming special they had planned on the Kennedy family.  In the background, the song In My Life played.  For some reason it got stuck in my head and became a song that reminds me of Mom. 

I am not sure why this song strikes me so.  There is a nostalgic sadness inherent in the lyrics and the tune, and this time of my life is sad.  Mom was such fun and to associate a sad song with her does carry some strangeness with it. However, the lyrics speak of travel and loving people, both of which characterized my mom. The musicians are the Beatles, and she grew up with the Beatles. I remember how she once told me that when the album Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club was released she was in about the 6th grade, and she and a friend studied the cover for hours picking out the famous people.

After three weeks of having this song come to mind often, I posted a link to a YouTube video of the song on Facebook last night.  I mentioned that it reminds me of Mom. I pointed out the references to loving people and to travel made in the song, and several people commented. My sisters expressed how much they miss her.  Her friends shared cool things like that they recently got together at the last restaurant where they had dinner with her.  Although they did not request a particular table, they landed at the same table, and it felt like she was there.  The comment that touched me most and makes me cry even as I type came from Jonathan.  He said that the last line reminds him of Mom and Julia.  I had to go back and listen to the end of the song again and then look up the lyrics to verify my surprise at missing this very important line repeated at the end of the song:

In my life I love you more



In my life I love you more
 
As some of you are reading this post, you already know the significance of these words.  Julia created the "I love you more" game as we call it when she was about three years old.  Basically, it is verbal tag.  We have varied the game and kept score or not kept score, but the premise of the game is that we try to beat someone to the punch and tell them we love them more before they can say it to us.  Mom and Julia really kept this thing going when others took breaks from the game.  Julia would call Mom on the phone knowing that Mom would think I was the one calling and tag her as soon as she answered the phone.  Mom would call me and tell me to get Julia for her.  They got each other through Facebook.  Julia would use my account to get Mom and her aunts, and they would tag Julia from Facebook as well.  Mom and Julia seemed to get the biggest kick out of the game and kept it going more than anyone else. 
 
You may have noticed that my playlist now includes In My Life, and it has for a few weeks.  Unfortunately, Playlist does not have the Beatles version, so the one it plays is extra sad and lacks the folksy sound of the original.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zI0Q8ytD44Y

Overwhelmed

A friend loves at all times....Proverbs 17:17

Check out this peace lily sent by our sweet friends, the Trans.  It arrived at our house yesterday and has to be the most beautiful peace lily arrangement I have ever seen.

We had more people than I can count show up for Mom's visitation.  Tara's friends, my friends from work, Tessa's friends from work, and my Sunday school class has kept us well fed.  Beautiful flower arrangements adorned the funeral home, and very few had gladiolas (Mom hated those).  We have been loved on by so many, and I can never say thanks enough.

The minister did a great job with the service.  He is a very likable and down to earth kind of guy.  Andy spoke.  My husband can preach!!  One of my friends asked if he missed his calling.

I am exhausted.  Sleep does not come easily.  Most of the time, I am either at peace or numb.  I expect much harder days ahead.  I already dread Mother's Day.  As for the rest of my family, my sisters are all having a really hard time.  My stoic brother Joshua and Dad are harder to read, but I think Dad really struggles.  Jonathan seems okay.

As for the kids, Savannah has had the hardest time.  Her heart was broken when one of her aunts told her that she will not remember her grandma.  Savannah wants so badly to remember, so we bought journals for the girls.  We can all record our memories as they come because I firmly believe that you remember what you write.  Savannah had several friends visit at the funeral home, and it did her so much good. 

We very much appreciate all of the support we have had over the last couple of weeks.

A Matter of Time

That's what the doctor says, "It is a matter of time."  Tiffany called this afternoon with this news.  My siblings and I will work out a schedule to stay with Mom around the clock. We will hold the hands of my sweet, beautiful, and much loved mom on this side until Jesus embraces her on the other.

I am hopeful that we will do this in pairs as I think it will be too hard alone.  Andy says he will stay with me while I am there.  While my heart is broken, and prayer comes not so easily, I do realize that it is never too late for a miracle.

Mom wants to be at home, so the hospital staff is working to make it happen.

Thanks for praying, my sweet friends.

P.S. I should clear up something about my second job. I am still working there.  The manager did the schedule in a hurry and actually had plenty of available hours, so I worked Monday.  Andy called for me today to ask that I be taken off the schedule for a few weeks.

Please pray

Mom likes Justin Bieber! -typed by Julia our resident Justin Bieber fan and future blogger extraordinaire

This post, however, is not about Julia. It is about my mom who is not doing well.  She is very uncomfortable and told the nurse while I was there today that she feels like she is smothering.  Mom hasn't eaten in days and has been given some tough decisions which I cannot yet disclose here.  On Tuesday when I saw her, she did not look good.  I saw her earlier in the day on Wednesday, and she looked great.  She did not look good today when I saw her.

On a cool and related note, my dad was approached yesterday by someone wanting to spray his yard.  Dad told the man that he did not have time to talk to him because his wife is hospitalized and fighting pancreatic cancer.  The man asked Dad to let him pray for him, and he prayed for a miracle. He also got the job :)

A miracle, that's what we want!

Continuing on the hard road of cancer

We have not set up a Caring Bridge site for my mom and are mostly keeping people updated through e-mail, Facebook, and for myself, this blog.  The blog is not obviously just about Mom.  I guess I could start one just for that purpose, but if you scroll down to the list of tags, I have tagged most of the entries that pertain to her so that you can read through the history and skip the rest of the stuff I post.

This is the latest.  Mom was admitted to the hospital on Monday after 12 miserable hours awaiting a room in the ER.  She was admitted for fluid and blood clots on her lungs.  They plan to consult with her on removal of the clots today.  She expects to be home by the weekend.

Mom's hospital stay has been extended, and Wyatt loses his first tooth

 Mom remains hospitalized and will be there until Tuesday as they plan to insert some sort of device to help drain her lungs.  She did receive chemo today.  I may go stay the night with her tonight. Scratch that, Julia is having a rough time with that plan, so maybe tomorrow night.  I have to work on Sunday, so I can't go to my Sunday school class anyway. Mom really has had few visitors for this stay.  Aside from my not so pleasant sleeping options, her room is quite nice with lots of space and privacy. 

In other news, Jules (mom's little dog) is so depressed.  She has to contend with Lola, the diva to end all divas dog, who attacks anytime anyone offers sweet Jules any affection.  Too bad I can't sneak Jules in to see Mom, but I may do the next best thing and bring her to my house for a few days so that we can love on her until Mom can get home. (Mom's dog was named Jules when she got her. Mom intended to change the name because I often call Julia Jules, but I told her Julia would probably get a kick out of it, so Jules stuck.)

...and in other news

After months of waiting and hoping, Wyatt showed me a loose tooth this afternoon.  Wow!  When I took a closer look, I realized that his permanent tooth was already half way to full size and through the gums.  This revelation occurred between my jobs today, and when I returned from my second job this evening, that tooth was out and gone.  Wyatt put it up in a plastic bag for the tooth fairy and cannot find it. That is typical Wyatt.

Wyatt left this note for the tooth fairy:
I lost my tooth
thanks
love Wyatt
I love Bakugan
(He started with a list, but I told him that the tooth fairy does not typically do wish lists).

As this blog is for the kids, I do want to send my apologies to Wyatt at this time. 

Wyatt,
I know when we brought you home from China, we did so on a promise that we would take care of the surgeries you would need.  Our surgeon asked to see you again this past summer to consider some more reconstructive surgery, but we opted to skip that appointment.  Our insurance is an HSA, and there is no way we could afford surgery with that plan, so we opted to skip paying for a visit to a specialist that would just be a "no" on the surgery either way.  We know two things; You hate the very idea of surgery, and at this point in your life, you are probably quite happy to skip it.  We also know that God has a plan for provision in this.  He did not bring you across the world without a plan to take care of you.  We just elected our benefits for next year, so there is a maybe in that.

I love you my charming, affectionate, and funny little guy.  You are not the same spunky boy we met in China.  You are that and so much more.  Just this week you did tell me that you will pick a very good nursing home for me but not until I am very, very old.  You also told me that you will live in the woods close to my house so that you can visit every day.  I am holding you to those words Jane told me in China, when she said, "he is a very sweet boy, he will take good care of his parents one day."  She also called you naughty, but you are more nice than naughty these days.  You are doing very well in school, and I think we have turned a corner there.

I do have to finish with the Wyatt quote of the week.  We saw the doctor on Monday for a refill on medication.  Our pediatrician asked Wyatt what he likes to do.  Wyatt wanted some clarification, so he asked, "What do you mean?  Do you mean what do I like to do for recreation?"  A good chuckle emerged from both the doctor and me.  Wyatt's vocabulary is quite good.

the latest on Mom

When I visited with Mom last night, the cystology report was still not back.  She felt much better but is still awaiting the liver biopsy and is anxious to be released from the hospital.  Her little dog misses her.

crazy life circumstances, an update

As I type Julia is sobbing on my lap.  She spent the night at my parents' house last night, but my mom was still in the hospital. Julia is worried about her grandma and missed having her at home. 

This is the latest:  Lots of fluid was removed from my mom's right lung today.  She can breathe much easier now.  There is, however, fluid around her liver.  They are awaiting biopsy results on the fluid from around her lung before doing the liver biopsy.  They did not do the liver biopsy today as it requires going through the lungs (or something like that, remember I am about as non-medical as a person gets), so they did not want to risk shooting infection or malignant cells right into her liver.  Praying here for a good result on that biopsy.

As for Josh, he made it home by 10:00p.m. last night, not so bad for a trip to the ER and then a visit with Mom before heading home.  Now Tara is posting daily on her Facebook page that Joshua should get the shot.  If he had had a shot at home, he may have forgone the whole EMS/ER ordeal.  He is sore today, but fine.

Mom

After a struggle with shortness of breath that has lasted more than a week, my mom is being admitted to the hospital.  Apparenty, she did not look good and did not feel well yesterday.  Today, she digressed into dry heaving, and there is talk of a possible abcess, but we really don't know much right now.  This was to be a weekend of celebration -Regan's dedication and Zach's birthday.  Please pray.

update on Mom

Mom felt well enough yesterday (Thursday) to attend an event at church with the kids and me. She was unable to receive chemo today because her counts were too low.  Sometimes she likes the break, but mostly, she is not happy when her treatment is stalled.

Happy 60th Birthday, Mom!

My mom turns 60 on Tuesday, October 5th.  In less than one week's time, we managed to pull off coordinating a party to celebrate on Friday, October 1st.  We told her on Thursday that we would be celebrating her birthday at my house on Friday, but we did not mention that we were inviting friends and extended family members.  Unfortunately, my dad, the worry wart, spilled the beans when they were on their way to the party.  He apparently worried all week about whether we would have enough food for everyone and what we would do about seating, as very few people have homes where they can seat 40 people.  After he made Mom mad by ruining the surprise, he had a good time himself and told her the next morning that she should not have been so worried. UGH!  Yes, she should receive sainthood just for putting up with him for 41+ years.  Despite her anger with Dad, she loved the party. 

We served barbecue (courtesy of Jonathan and Danielle) with sides of hash brown casserole (courtesy of Tara), green beans, baked beans, California Cole slaw and chips.  Cupcakes and ice cream were on hand for dessert.  YUMMY!  We did have plenty of food.  Tessa took care of more details than I can count. 

We kicked off the night with prayer and singing "Happy Birthday."

This is a former neighbor.  Barbara's daughter, Stacey, and I grew up together, and her son Patrick grew up with Jonathan. 

These are mom's nurse friends.

my Uncle Jack (mom's brother) and Aunt Janie

                                                 Mom and Tiffany

Dad and Pat (former neighbor - Barbara's husband)

Patrick, Nicole, Jacob, and Kaleigh

Karlee and Stacey

Scott (Stacey's husband)

Tara

Andy (Julia took most of the pictures, so the perspective is mostly looking up)

Jonathan

Kaleigh, Jacob, Jordan, Savannah, Wyatt, and Julia

Zach

Mom's best friend, Kim

Eric is married to my cousin, Susie

Lesley is Eric's and Susie's daughter and the same age as Julia.  She and Savannah had a good time again.

Susie and Tiffany

Joshua has been sick, and it shows in this picture.

Mom and Uncle Jack

Regan

I am so grateful that all worked out and that Mom had a great time and felt good enough to enjoy it.  Of course, I am most grateful for such a great mom!

Discouraged

Please pray-
Mom feels crummy. She needs blood, but she has antibodies against so much of the blood that it is not an easy fix.  She reacted badly to platlets and has blood clots. 

Life aside from Mom's illness is discouraging.  I need to get my van to a body shop for a repair from a hit it took in a parking lot.  I am so grateful that the owner of the other vehicle took responsibility, a nice reminder that honest people still exist.
There is other stuff going on that I cannot put on the blog.

I am discouraged.