Many posts ago, I revealed that my heart is heavily guarded in regard to the suffering in my life, and therefore I am sharing just the facts. This post may include a bit more than the facts, but this one is for me, a reminder of the truth to which I must cling.
The update:
Mom is weak. She planned to join us for a special event at church tonight and cannot keep her eyes open long enough to do it. She is also struggling with shortness of breath for which we have no explanation. Is all of this a by-product of chemo, or is it something else? We just don't know. She has had a CT scan to rule out a blood clot, and they found nothing.
The work issue
Work is rough. There is a heaviness, a desire to fight, and complete indignation at the injustice of this situation. It is all-consuming and impacts the rest of my co-workers and myself. I leave work every single day fighting the heaviness of this very uncertain future. I must say that I don't have enough left in me to fight the heaviness too hard. It just continues to rest on me.
Right now, I am trying to hang on to one truth. God works all things to the good of those who love him. Romans 8:28 This is a struggle because it appears that there is a condition involved (those who love him). Is all this suffering a part of God's work to the good? I must love Him to have all things work to this good. So, that begs the questions, "do I love Him?" "Do I love Him enough? " "Is it possible to love Him enough?"
I heard Steven Curtis Chapman say that this question comes to us during suffering...something to the effect of "don't you love me?" - a question directed at God, the God who is our dad. I get this. I want my way. I know it, and it became very clear to me a few weeks ago. Julia and Wyatt were melting down. I was heading out for work, and Andy was stopping by home after work to scoop up our little people for what would be the 3rd of four games they had to attend for Zach and Savvy that week. They were done with the games and the tantrums were reminiscent of terrible twos. Andy was livid and demanding proper behavior. I, on the other hand, was sympathetic. Why? you might ask. I mean, really, 6 and 7 year olds throwing tantrums typical of two year olds, surely I should expect more! Well, I was sympathetic for two reasons. 1. I felt like our expectations were too high. These two trudge along to activities without complaint most of the time, and this time it was the third such event of that week, and Julia, in particular, was very unhappy that I had one hour between jobs with my little people. 2. I wanted to do the same thing. I wanted to throw myself on floor and throw a tantrum and cry out to God asking why my mom can't be well, but that would be childish, right?
In light of all this, I have decided today that I must find a way to cling to Romans 8:28 and to Jeremiah 29:11 - For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to give you a hope and a future. A hard thing to do when so much seems to be falling apart, but I will try.
2 Warriors, 2 Princesses and My Life as Their Mom
Showing posts with label life. Show all posts
Showing posts with label life. Show all posts
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
Friday, September 24, 2010
spilling the beans
Do you remember this post? You know, the looooong post that opened this year reviewing our holidays and expressing our hopes for the new year....
http://lifewiththepages.blogspot.com/2010/01/ringing-in-2010.html
Well, this is the year in review at this point in September:
My mom's cancer turned out to be pancreatic cancer, and we have been through a series of highs and lows regarding this diagnosis. As I type she is still struggling and believes that she may not be able to tolerate her newest chemo. This stinks!
In May we learned that our tuition bill for the coming school year would increase by more than $4000.00, so I took a second job to try and hang on to Christian education for the kids.
In August I returned my full-time job, and I distinctly remember starting the year thinking about how much I love this job. I love the people, the climate, and the traditions. I love it! This is my 17th year in the building and my 12th year in my current position. Guess what I learned this week. I have a 30-50% chance of losing this position. If I keep the position, it will never be the same again. This is the other stuff I referred to in my post about being discouraged.
Of course there have been highs this year. Vacation comes to mind. Our kids are healthy, and we just started having small, youth group meetings in our home a couple of weeks ago. It just seems that the hits keep coming, and I am reaching the whatever stage as my life seems to be crumbling.
To end on a high note, today Savannah played her last field hockey game of the season prior to the tournament which starts next week. We could see the rain coming over the football field before it made its way to the field hockey field, and as it moved past us, a double rainbow appeared briefly over the school. I didn't get the second rainbow, which disappeared quickly, in the photo, but Savannah's team went on to win their first game of the season!
http://lifewiththepages.blogspot.com/2010/01/ringing-in-2010.html
Well, this is the year in review at this point in September:
My mom's cancer turned out to be pancreatic cancer, and we have been through a series of highs and lows regarding this diagnosis. As I type she is still struggling and believes that she may not be able to tolerate her newest chemo. This stinks!
In May we learned that our tuition bill for the coming school year would increase by more than $4000.00, so I took a second job to try and hang on to Christian education for the kids.
In August I returned my full-time job, and I distinctly remember starting the year thinking about how much I love this job. I love the people, the climate, and the traditions. I love it! This is my 17th year in the building and my 12th year in my current position. Guess what I learned this week. I have a 30-50% chance of losing this position. If I keep the position, it will never be the same again. This is the other stuff I referred to in my post about being discouraged.
Of course there have been highs this year. Vacation comes to mind. Our kids are healthy, and we just started having small, youth group meetings in our home a couple of weeks ago. It just seems that the hits keep coming, and I am reaching the whatever stage as my life seems to be crumbling.
...and another high note -Zach played in the varsity game tonight! SWEET!
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
Discouraged
Please pray-
Mom feels crummy. She needs blood, but she has antibodies against so much of the blood that it is not an easy fix. She reacted badly to platlets and has blood clots.
Life aside from Mom's illness is discouraging. I need to get my van to a body shop for a repair from a hit it took in a parking lot. I am so grateful that the owner of the other vehicle took responsibility, a nice reminder that honest people still exist.
There is other stuff going on that I cannot put on the blog.
I am discouraged.
Mom feels crummy. She needs blood, but she has antibodies against so much of the blood that it is not an easy fix. She reacted badly to platlets and has blood clots.
Life aside from Mom's illness is discouraging. I need to get my van to a body shop for a repair from a hit it took in a parking lot. I am so grateful that the owner of the other vehicle took responsibility, a nice reminder that honest people still exist.
There is other stuff going on that I cannot put on the blog.
I am discouraged.
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
life
This is a quick update on life in our home.
My mom
On Friday I was called to the rescue when my mom decided to drive herself to chemo. She had never had a reaction, so she felt it was a safe thing to do. My brother had my parents' second car, so my dad was essentially stranded at home. The SOS came at about noon after my dad received a call from Mom that she had reacted to the chemo and couldn't drive herself home. Apparently the reaction was sudden and bad. Her blood pressure dropped dramatically, her hands turned bright red and were itching uncontrollably, and she was dry heaving. I picked Dad up and we made our way to the hospital where Mom was finishing up getting some IV fluids and looking good considering her earlier ordeal. She will never have that chemo again, and we expect one more round of chemo before the scans that will determine the possibility of surgery. Thanks for the continued prayers. Please keep them up. We want the surgery!
Summer Stuff
I was disappointed to learn that I had only one or two days off this week from my part-time job. I had one scheduled day off and had to call to see if I had to work my other potential day off. I learned later that the manager wanted to call me in on the only day I actually had off. Though I was clear in the interview that I really only wanted 8-12 hours per week (four hour shifts), this week did not work out that way. Apparently some new hires did not work out and more are needed, so I agreed to work this crazy schedule this week. I figured I really need the training anyway. I have yet to see next week's schedule, so I can't say whether I will never see my family once school starts or not. It looks like at the very least, my weekends are history. Much as I hate that idea, I do know people are deployed and away from family right now, and I have a friend who has taken a permanent position across the nation from her family. They are unable to move with her, so she is raising her three kids long distance. Somehow I can make this work.
After our plan to visit a nearby amusement park fell apart early this summer, I decided to splurge on two fun things for the kids. Everything else we have done has been free or already covered by a membership. Today I made good on one of those things when we went to see The Karate Kid. I have to admit that I was tempted to add popcorn and soft drinks to our rare movie experience, but I did not give in to temptation and saved our budget and guts. I have never cared for popcorn at the movies, but we can't have hot popcorn at all here because our microwave shoots sparks every time I try to make it. I chose this movie because I knew that scenes from China would be woven into the story, and I almost cried at the opening of the movie as my desire to return to China is so strong. Wyatt was anxious to see the fighting, and Zach is a Will Smith fan, so he was ready to see Will's son in action. Unfortunately, the tension in the movie was too much for Julia. She sat on my lap and buried her head into my shoulder asking me to tell her when the fights ended. There was one repeated action (much like the original Karate Kid) that tickled Julia to no end. She giggled and giggled over this ongoing repetition. In the end the scenes of China were spectacular, and Wyatt is anxious for the movie to be released on DVD.
My mom
On Friday I was called to the rescue when my mom decided to drive herself to chemo. She had never had a reaction, so she felt it was a safe thing to do. My brother had my parents' second car, so my dad was essentially stranded at home. The SOS came at about noon after my dad received a call from Mom that she had reacted to the chemo and couldn't drive herself home. Apparently the reaction was sudden and bad. Her blood pressure dropped dramatically, her hands turned bright red and were itching uncontrollably, and she was dry heaving. I picked Dad up and we made our way to the hospital where Mom was finishing up getting some IV fluids and looking good considering her earlier ordeal. She will never have that chemo again, and we expect one more round of chemo before the scans that will determine the possibility of surgery. Thanks for the continued prayers. Please keep them up. We want the surgery!
Summer Stuff
I was disappointed to learn that I had only one or two days off this week from my part-time job. I had one scheduled day off and had to call to see if I had to work my other potential day off. I learned later that the manager wanted to call me in on the only day I actually had off. Though I was clear in the interview that I really only wanted 8-12 hours per week (four hour shifts), this week did not work out that way. Apparently some new hires did not work out and more are needed, so I agreed to work this crazy schedule this week. I figured I really need the training anyway. I have yet to see next week's schedule, so I can't say whether I will never see my family once school starts or not. It looks like at the very least, my weekends are history. Much as I hate that idea, I do know people are deployed and away from family right now, and I have a friend who has taken a permanent position across the nation from her family. They are unable to move with her, so she is raising her three kids long distance. Somehow I can make this work.
After our plan to visit a nearby amusement park fell apart early this summer, I decided to splurge on two fun things for the kids. Everything else we have done has been free or already covered by a membership. Today I made good on one of those things when we went to see The Karate Kid. I have to admit that I was tempted to add popcorn and soft drinks to our rare movie experience, but I did not give in to temptation and saved our budget and guts. I have never cared for popcorn at the movies, but we can't have hot popcorn at all here because our microwave shoots sparks every time I try to make it. I chose this movie because I knew that scenes from China would be woven into the story, and I almost cried at the opening of the movie as my desire to return to China is so strong. Wyatt was anxious to see the fighting, and Zach is a Will Smith fan, so he was ready to see Will's son in action. Unfortunately, the tension in the movie was too much for Julia. She sat on my lap and buried her head into my shoulder asking me to tell her when the fights ended. There was one repeated action (much like the original Karate Kid) that tickled Julia to no end. She giggled and giggled over this ongoing repetition. In the end the scenes of China were spectacular, and Wyatt is anxious for the movie to be released on DVD.
Saturday, July 24, 2010
est. July 24, 1993
Andy and I were married 17 years ago today. This is the story of our love.
While attending college in a town about an hour and and a half from home, I found a job I loved through a friend. Because I liked the job so well, I stayed over the summer in my college town. However, just before my fifth year (education is like a double major, so even with a full course load, it is hard to get out in four years), the doctor's office where I worked hired a temp, and I just could not work with her. Risking my job, I left for home for the summer. This is where some divine intervention took place.
I left my college town and college boyfriend and opted to wait tables at a Mexican restaurant. Unbeknownst to me, a very good high school friend also secured a job at the same restaurant. We started our training with two other people. Andy was one of them. He also was home from his college and had bused tables at the restaurant in the past but had reached the age where he could serve alcohol and therefore wait tables. Andy had the look of a rebel. He dressed like a hippie and knew the crew, so he maneuvered through the restaurant with confidence. I was attracted to him almost immediately. I told my friend Kim that I hoped to kiss Andy by the end of the summer.
Restaurants are dark places where parties among the staff are abundant. The group invited us to one of their favorite places to hang out after work, a bar that stayed open most of the night. Kim was unable to go at the last minute, and the only other person I even remotely knew was Andy. We ended up talking most of the night. He personally invited me to another outing with just a few crew members including his sister shortly thereafter. Soon we had added a movie date and a dinner date to our outings, and Andy called me to say he wanted us to be an exclusive item. Oops, I needed to make a phone call and end my relationship with the guy I had been dating. In all honesty we never dated exclusively. I think I knew that I could not marry him and kept my options open, so I made that call and Andy and I continued to date.
Summer wasn't even over when I knew he was the one. Our talks of marriage started very early in our relationship. By the end of October, we were engaged. Our relationship continued through cards, letters, and phone calls across the miles as our colleges were about three hours apart. We probably would have waited two years to marry except that my sister was also engaged. Tiffany and I decided that we would not put our parents through two weddings in two years, so we started planning a double wedding which really sped things up for Andy and me. At some point Tiffany's fiance decided that he did not want me planning their wedding. Tiffany told him that he did not have to worry as she would not be marrying him, so I would not be planning his wedding... a good decision on her part, I might add.
For reasons I don't really know, the ball kept rolling for Andy and me, and we were married just over a year after we started dating. I used to say that we should have waited another year. Andy, however, was always convinced that we would not have married had we waited. Our first year of marriage was tough. I started teaching in my hometown. The first year of teaching is brutal for most teachers, and I had much additional stress. To this day I still refer to it as the worst year of my life which bothers Andy a bit since it was our first year of marriage. Andy attended his college, traveling to stay there during the week and working at home on the weekends. I worked a second job so that we could make ends meet. Our marriage started off poorly as I was really angry with Andy over the planning of our honeymoon and working a grueling schedule that basically left me without a life. In addition we both made a huge mistake when we took in a friend of his to help her out and to help us financially. I really thought we would end up divorced. My advice to a young married couple would be that that they should not have any roommates. That's a recipe for disaster, and our roommate wasn't even home much!
After we survived the first year, things just got better. Andy and I traded places, and he worked two jobs until Savannah was born. When he stopped that, he told a friend that he would never do that to his family again as it is much too hard on a family. That friend moved out of state in order to stop the the two job rat race. We still had our bumps in the road, but somehow we made it. Life really changed for us in 2002 when Andy attended a retreat at our church. It completely changed him, and I went from having a great husband to a phenomenal husband. I would like to attend the retreat myself, but scheduling and finances have kept me away every year.
From the start we had a dog. We picked up Molly right after our return from our honeymoon, and she brought us much joy in her four short years of life.
Oh my! the hair! enough said
This is a favorite picture of mine, but poor Savannah is so fair and tiny that she is practically washed out.
We don't usually celebrate our anniversary. It has fallen aside along with our birthdays, but we do have a restaurant gift certificate that I think we will use tonight. With my new work schedule, I have hardly seen Andy this week. I have to go to work in an hour and a half, and he isn't even up because he is on call and was up at 4:00a.m. working on some mess. I think we need a night to ourselves.
Sunday, July 18, 2010
I interrupt these vacation posts...
While on vacation I blogged a bit. I, however, scheduled those posts to appear yesterday and today as I am not into advertising that my family is away from home or just where we are for that matter.
Three of those posts have shown up, and one more will appear later today. I interrupt my posts here to say that the first three posts are complete. The upcoming post is not. I have not included the pictures nor the captions for the last post.
Right now I am supposed to be at church, but I had to pick Shiloh up from the kennel before 10:00 but no earlier than 8:00 to avoid paying for another day. I got to the kennel at 8:10 and waited in line until 8:20 to get my dog. I then took another 10 minutes or so to get her, so I did not get home until 9:00 which is the start time for church. I planned to go late, but I really hate getting anywhere late, and Shiloh was stinky. I opted instead to let her play in the hose, lather her up, and then let her play in the hose again. I then made my way to Wyatt's room where I cleaned his fish tank which got pretty nasty last week. I am now waiting for Shiloh to dry so that she can come back inside and waiting for the fish tank to get to something close to room temperature so that the fish can return to their home. I will then make it to church on time for Sunday school.
So I am back in reality with stinky garbage - I can't wait for trash pick up on Wednesday, a broken dishwasher which should be fixed tomorrow, and a second job which I have to work today after church. As far as I know my mom still has cancer, and summer as we know it is pretty much over. Football is already back in full swing, and field hockey will start next week. I was really trying to cram as much summer fun as I could into those two weeks before vacation when Andy was in China because once the sports kick back into session, life pretty much revolves around them. Gone are our nights at the pool. School starts in about a month, much too soon in my personal opinion. Once the school year starts, I begin to once again live in a fog, and I should be really foggy this year with a second job. I am really hoping that is not the case. I just want to slow it all down. Sigh.
Three of those posts have shown up, and one more will appear later today. I interrupt my posts here to say that the first three posts are complete. The upcoming post is not. I have not included the pictures nor the captions for the last post.
Right now I am supposed to be at church, but I had to pick Shiloh up from the kennel before 10:00 but no earlier than 8:00 to avoid paying for another day. I got to the kennel at 8:10 and waited in line until 8:20 to get my dog. I then took another 10 minutes or so to get her, so I did not get home until 9:00 which is the start time for church. I planned to go late, but I really hate getting anywhere late, and Shiloh was stinky. I opted instead to let her play in the hose, lather her up, and then let her play in the hose again. I then made my way to Wyatt's room where I cleaned his fish tank which got pretty nasty last week. I am now waiting for Shiloh to dry so that she can come back inside and waiting for the fish tank to get to something close to room temperature so that the fish can return to their home. I will then make it to church on time for Sunday school.
So I am back in reality with stinky garbage - I can't wait for trash pick up on Wednesday, a broken dishwasher which should be fixed tomorrow, and a second job which I have to work today after church. As far as I know my mom still has cancer, and summer as we know it is pretty much over. Football is already back in full swing, and field hockey will start next week. I was really trying to cram as much summer fun as I could into those two weeks before vacation when Andy was in China because once the sports kick back into session, life pretty much revolves around them. Gone are our nights at the pool. School starts in about a month, much too soon in my personal opinion. Once the school year starts, I begin to once again live in a fog, and I should be really foggy this year with a second job. I am really hoping that is not the case. I just want to slow it all down. Sigh.
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
Tying up the loose ends
It has occurred to me, in part because of e-mails I have received, that I need to update some things on the blog that have been left hanging, so here I go.
My Eyes
I awoke Monday with eyes that seemed to be back to normal in both comfort and vision. On Tuesday I was able to get a new left contact. Sunday was rough, and I can't be sure, but I do think the eye patch offered some help. I admit that there was some encouragement from my mother to go to the ER, and there were moments when that was where I thought I was headed. However, I did not want anyone messing with my eye. Thanks to everyone who prayed for me on that one.
The Dishwasher Saga
Yes, we caved and called a repairman. No, the dishwasher still doesn't work. On the positive side, I am a better dishwasher than a machine. I know you are thinking that is good to know. I am frustrated with this situation as the repairman originally came last week and had to order a part. He was to return on Tuesday to install said part which UPS delivered to our door the week before. On Tuesday Zach and Savannah had physicals scheduled. Rescheduling is a pain, so my dad drove my mom over to our house (my brother had borrowed their second car) and went to his own doctor's appointment. My mom received the call that the repairman wasn't coming. Yep, we rearranged everything that day for no repair. I am guessing there was a true emergency, but what really made me mad was that the next appointment is next week. Really? You cancel on me and can't get back to my house the same week? GRRR! I let them know this is unacceptable, but truly my hands are tied as I have already payed for the repair. GRRR again!
The Job
Yes, I got the job. It does look like a fun place to work. However, three jobs is a little much. I do consider my job as a parent my first full-time job. I am discovering during my time off this summer that I can completely fill my days with keeping up with my kids and my house, and it does make me long to be a stay at home mom. However, we truly need my income, and it gives my kids the opportunity to receive a Christ-centered education. Our main goal for our kids is that they follow Christ, so this is of high importance to us.
The hike in tuition was the catalyst to seek a second paying job. I really only applied at two places and felt if I was going to sacrifice 10-15 hours a week away from my family, I should do it in a place that is fun. Summer was already underway, so I figured narrowing this job search to two places was a long shot. However, I prayed and said I would walk through the door if it opened. I figured if it didn't open, God had another plan for provision. The door opened and left me with mixed feelings. The schedule is set, and I am a Friday night person. If Zach ever makes it onto the field for varsity football, his mom won't be in the stands to cheer him...not that I know anything at all about football, but I am his mom! I am sure he will dress for the varsity games, so I will certainly miss that. I will also work Saturday and Sunday every other week. With my other job, this means 14 days in a row of work followed by two off. It also means 12 hours away from my family without counting travel time on the weekends I work.
In all honesty this job also came as a result of the cuts. We have cut and cut and cut to the point where I just said "no more." Maybe I am wrong to do this, but it was cut the cable, cut the Y membership, cut camps, cut out of town trips for sports, cut necessary repairs on the house, cut replacing bedding, cut replacing furniture, start monthly date nights, cut monthly date nights, cut scrapbooking, cut having pictures printed, cut buying school pictures, cut planned family trips to amusement parks, cut giving, cut the possibility of occupational therapy for the two kids who need it, cut the visit to the surgeon this summer, cut retirement saving and assume retirement is no longer in the equation, cut, cut cut. Give up most dreams. No, we don't need any of these things to survive, and it sounds like a lot. However, what I don't mention is the things that were never a habit of ours such as hiring a sitter (have done that twice, I think) or eating out as a family on a regular basis (we do have fast food about three or four times a year).
I know some will think this is insane, but the fact is that I continue to receive affirmation that keeping Julia at her current school is the right choice. The schedule looks daunting, but I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength.
My Eyes
I awoke Monday with eyes that seemed to be back to normal in both comfort and vision. On Tuesday I was able to get a new left contact. Sunday was rough, and I can't be sure, but I do think the eye patch offered some help. I admit that there was some encouragement from my mother to go to the ER, and there were moments when that was where I thought I was headed. However, I did not want anyone messing with my eye. Thanks to everyone who prayed for me on that one.
The Dishwasher Saga
Yes, we caved and called a repairman. No, the dishwasher still doesn't work. On the positive side, I am a better dishwasher than a machine. I know you are thinking that is good to know. I am frustrated with this situation as the repairman originally came last week and had to order a part. He was to return on Tuesday to install said part which UPS delivered to our door the week before. On Tuesday Zach and Savannah had physicals scheduled. Rescheduling is a pain, so my dad drove my mom over to our house (my brother had borrowed their second car) and went to his own doctor's appointment. My mom received the call that the repairman wasn't coming. Yep, we rearranged everything that day for no repair. I am guessing there was a true emergency, but what really made me mad was that the next appointment is next week. Really? You cancel on me and can't get back to my house the same week? GRRR! I let them know this is unacceptable, but truly my hands are tied as I have already payed for the repair. GRRR again!
The Job
Yes, I got the job. It does look like a fun place to work. However, three jobs is a little much. I do consider my job as a parent my first full-time job. I am discovering during my time off this summer that I can completely fill my days with keeping up with my kids and my house, and it does make me long to be a stay at home mom. However, we truly need my income, and it gives my kids the opportunity to receive a Christ-centered education. Our main goal for our kids is that they follow Christ, so this is of high importance to us.
The hike in tuition was the catalyst to seek a second paying job. I really only applied at two places and felt if I was going to sacrifice 10-15 hours a week away from my family, I should do it in a place that is fun. Summer was already underway, so I figured narrowing this job search to two places was a long shot. However, I prayed and said I would walk through the door if it opened. I figured if it didn't open, God had another plan for provision. The door opened and left me with mixed feelings. The schedule is set, and I am a Friday night person. If Zach ever makes it onto the field for varsity football, his mom won't be in the stands to cheer him...not that I know anything at all about football, but I am his mom! I am sure he will dress for the varsity games, so I will certainly miss that. I will also work Saturday and Sunday every other week. With my other job, this means 14 days in a row of work followed by two off. It also means 12 hours away from my family without counting travel time on the weekends I work.
In all honesty this job also came as a result of the cuts. We have cut and cut and cut to the point where I just said "no more." Maybe I am wrong to do this, but it was cut the cable, cut the Y membership, cut camps, cut out of town trips for sports, cut necessary repairs on the house, cut replacing bedding, cut replacing furniture, start monthly date nights, cut monthly date nights, cut scrapbooking, cut having pictures printed, cut buying school pictures, cut planned family trips to amusement parks, cut giving, cut the possibility of occupational therapy for the two kids who need it, cut the visit to the surgeon this summer, cut retirement saving and assume retirement is no longer in the equation, cut, cut cut. Give up most dreams. No, we don't need any of these things to survive, and it sounds like a lot. However, what I don't mention is the things that were never a habit of ours such as hiring a sitter (have done that twice, I think) or eating out as a family on a regular basis (we do have fast food about three or four times a year).
I know some will think this is insane, but the fact is that I continue to receive affirmation that keeping Julia at her current school is the right choice. The schedule looks daunting, but I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength.
Monday, July 5, 2010
Happy Independence Day!
If my people who are called by my name, will humble themselves and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, then will I hear from heaven and forgive their sin and heal their land. 2 Chronicles 7:14
My prayer is that the people of God in the land that I love will do just that, and after a powerful sermon to start our July 4th holiday, I am convinced that this needs to start in my own home.
We began our celebration with a church service. I love the way our church honors our military on this holiday. It is inspiring and proud. Our minister followed it up with one of the most powerful and necessary sermons I have heard in a while. Don't get me wrong, our ministers deliver amazing sermons on a regular basis.
After church I learned just how much I need Andy as I tried to gather four children to leave and kept losing them. Zach headed back to the youth building to hang out with friends when he didn't immediately find me at our normal meeting spot. Savannah tried to find me in my class because she thought she was early. I ducked into the bookstore and lost Wyatt in the process. I was suffering with a runny eye after a chemical burn to both my eyes on Friday and was just impressed that I made it through the church service and my Sunday school class. Whew!
Upon our return home, I rested my eyes for a couple of hours and then we headed to my parent's home (after a stop for a much needed haircut for me). We feasted on grilled meat, hash brown casserole and other assorted dishes before my brother Joshua pulled out his stash of fireworks. The show was a hit, but shortly before it started I picked up an eye patch to ease the strain on my suffering left eye, so I am sure we looked like a motley crew to the neighbors with my mom's bandanna and my pirate look. Hey, sometimes you just have to laugh at yourself, right?
In order to give credit where credit is due, I must say that Julia took most of the pictures of people. She has a good eye for photography.
My prayer is that the people of God in the land that I love will do just that, and after a powerful sermon to start our July 4th holiday, I am convinced that this needs to start in my own home.
We began our celebration with a church service. I love the way our church honors our military on this holiday. It is inspiring and proud. Our minister followed it up with one of the most powerful and necessary sermons I have heard in a while. Don't get me wrong, our ministers deliver amazing sermons on a regular basis.
After church I learned just how much I need Andy as I tried to gather four children to leave and kept losing them. Zach headed back to the youth building to hang out with friends when he didn't immediately find me at our normal meeting spot. Savannah tried to find me in my class because she thought she was early. I ducked into the bookstore and lost Wyatt in the process. I was suffering with a runny eye after a chemical burn to both my eyes on Friday and was just impressed that I made it through the church service and my Sunday school class. Whew!
Upon our return home, I rested my eyes for a couple of hours and then we headed to my parent's home (after a stop for a much needed haircut for me). We feasted on grilled meat, hash brown casserole and other assorted dishes before my brother Joshua pulled out his stash of fireworks. The show was a hit, but shortly before it started I picked up an eye patch to ease the strain on my suffering left eye, so I am sure we looked like a motley crew to the neighbors with my mom's bandanna and my pirate look. Hey, sometimes you just have to laugh at yourself, right?
In order to give credit where credit is due, I must say that Julia took most of the pictures of people. She has a good eye for photography.
I am sure that I peaked some curiosity about my eyes. At this point they are much better, but I am still wearing only one contact which is annoying. They tend to worsen as the day progresses, so I am hoping they are still okay when I go for orientation and paperwork at my new job today. The story behind this issue follows.
On Friday, I went to see my eye doctor for a routine exam. I need both new contacts and new glasses, so I wanted to get that settled as I was wearing my last full pair of contacts. For contact wearers, you typically wear your contacts through the first part of the exam and then take them out and put them back in later in the exam.
I had forgotten my case, so I was given a case and directed to a sink where I could wash up and remove my contacts. When I put them in the case, I filled the case with a bottle of what I thought was solution sitting next to the sink. However, when I tried to wear my contacts again, they stung like crazy. I took them out and rinsed them in solution and then was able to wear them, but the sting was still present. I was unable to see well enough to choose glasses, so I went home ASAP and removed my contacts and soaked them in my regular solution for an hour while I napped. When I put my contacts in again, I found my vision to be foggy. On Saturday, my contacts were comfortable again, but my vision remained foggy and got worse as the day progressed. Unable to take it anymore, I raced home from my parents’ house to remove my contacts at about 9:00 that night. I still had the case given to me at the doctor’s office in my purse, so I decided to open it and see if it smelled strange. It was at that point that I realized the case had been full of alcohol. My doctor is not in again until Tuesday, and the damage is done. Saturday night was very painful. I did throw away that pair of contacts. I have one right contact left in my supply but no left one, so I guess until Tuesday when I make my way to the doctor’s office to order my glasses, I will be wearing only one contact to correct my vision.
Saturday, June 19, 2010
Tea with Mom
We finally made good on our Mother's Day plans, and took my mom for tea today. Yes, tomorrow is Father's Day, so we are a bit behind, but that is not unusual in this family, and jobs and illness delayed our celebration. We had a lovely afternoon tea feasting on scones, small sandwiches, truffles, cookies, and gingersnaps. Of course, we also enjoyed tea, and Savannah even found that she likes some hot tea. Julia stuck to pink lemonade. Our server seemed to rush us a bit, so that was a challenge. I am not sure if she needed the table or is just new. I know that new servers often don't have the best timing on wrapping things up or remembering to let the guests have some time to enjoy each other and their food. The real downer today was that Tiffany and Danielle could not join us, but Mom had a good time anyway. Happy Late Mother's Day, Mom!
Julia and Tara refused to wear hats. They are such party poopers!
Savannah, Tessa, Mom, and I did choose hats for the occasion.
We are certainly feeling something here, attacked, strained, frustrated, and sometimes downright scared! On Sunday before leaving for church I ran the dishwasher and was certainly surprised to find it running when we returned. I started it in plenty of time for it to finish or be pretty close to finished before we even left the house that morning. We found it running hours later than it started later that same day and soon discovered that it is broken. Andy's Internet diagnosis is that we have a stuck button. How to unstick that button is any body's guess as everything we have tried has failed. You guessed it! We have done plenty of dishes by hand this week, and two days we were without a kitchen sink as Andy replaced a leaky pipe. During that repair process, the kitchen just remained trashed...ick! That pipe still leaks, so Andy has to go back in and tweak this repair.
By the end of the week, we were also facing a broken drawer on a bathroom cabinet. The cabinet was bought three years ago with the intent that it would be temporary though the timing on this loss stinks. We will continue to make due with the cabinet. So Andy gave up on the dishwasher and told me to call in a repairman. Yeah, well, as I struggle with our much tighter budget, luxury verses necessity are starting to blur. Yes, the dishwasher is the most used appliance in the house, and yes we do hang on to some luxuries (such as sports), but really, do we need a dishwasher? I am thinking the repair can wait. I have to consider that within two months, we will have to supply the kids for school, get uniforms that fit, and register Savannah and Zach for sports which is certainly pricey. It is very tempting to axe the sports. I mean they are truly luxuries, but it is hard to keep Zach from one area where he has found success, self-confidence, physical fitness, and passion. Savannah asks for so little. She only wants to play field hockey, so I think the dishwasher will wait. Of course it will wait, it isn't going to fix itself (bummer), and I am not entitled to a machine to do the dishes. Of course my vain concern is that doing dishes by hand will quickly age my hands (lol)! I might add that I am really not trying to be whiny on the blog, just real. Yes, our appliances break, and we have frustrations, but we have lots of highs too. This is life!
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
a tentative decision
Ah decisions! You have probably never met two more indecisive people than Andy and me. Decisions have really weighed on my mind over the last few weeks starting with the infamous letter that sent us on a school decision we did not expect to have to make. So, we now have some decisions. The first and most insignificant decision is to join the pool that we have belonged to for years again this summer. We seriously considered another pool when we learned that several of the kids from school belonged to it because Zach and Savannah are often bored at the pool. However, we were never clear on how many kids and how often they attend. Zach really wants a summer job, and it would help with football expenses this fall, and our pool will hire kids his age. That factored in our decision as well though we don't know if he will get hired. Crazy as it sounds, it is nice to have this decision made, and we can still visit the other pool as it is a public pool that does not require a membership. We have learned that our dog likes to play in the hose, so maybe we don't need to join a pool at all ---kidding, I think learning to swim is a necessary life lesson that can only be learned with lots of practice, and Wyatt and Julia both need the practice.
So, the big decision. We are taking the hard and scary road and keeping Julia right where she is. It has been stated a few times in my memory of late that when you are at a crossroads, God would probably have you take the harder road. This crossroads was difficult because both choices meant hardship in different ways. We are taking the harder road financially and from the stance of the family schedule. Emotionally, the other road was harder, and I just could not get a peace about it. Julia was accepted at Wyatt's school, and we love the school, but something did not feel right. Much prayer went into this decision as I begged God for wisdom, but the final pieces fell into place as our church service started on Sunday. Our church held a baby dedication this past weekend, and the minister's prayer started with an acknowledgement that it will be incredibly hard for these children to live counter-culture. Immediately, this question popped into my mind, "can a six year old even do that?" Granted, I have a strong-willed almost six year old, but she is also very much a people-pleaser which has long been a concern of ours. The sermon that followed was on faithfulness, and I just felt the need to remain faithful to what we started nine years ago when we committed to taking every opportunity to pour God's word into our kids. After church we went to our Sunday school class, and our teacher started the lesson talking about a missionary imprisoned in solitary confinement who relied on the scriptures he had memorized to get through the lonely days. He found solace and joy, yes joy, in recalling those scriptures and seeing them come alive and active in his circumstances. Julia recites Psalm 23 completely from memory, and she learned it at school without much work at home. Zach and Savannah held onto most of the 2nd chapter of Luke that they learned at school for a long time after their 2nd grade classes went through it. Recalling this while hearing about this missionary really drove home the decision, but it was still in Andy's hands. He intended to spend some time in solitude Sunday night and try and get some finality on it. However, he was on call this weekend, and work interrupted. He is comfortable with this choice -as comfortable as we can be, I guess, as there is nothing comfortable about living on the edge, but we do trust our Provider. He has gotten us this far, and believe me, we have lived on this sort of edge before. I do still call this a tentative decision because we have not yet acted on it. We have not contacted Wyatt's school to release Julia's spot, and Andy would still like to meet with a friend and discuss this further. I have always been and continue to be grateful that we have choices. I have friends who successfully homeschool their children, and I have friends who are loving the public schools. I think school decisions are as individual as the children and their families.
I would add that during this process a few things have happened. We have learned of situations involving Zach's class that are bothersome, and we are working to address them. We have also found some ways to bring more of the gospel into Wyatt's school. A simple e-mail got the ball rolling on getting FCA involved with the school, so maybe this crossroads came so that we could be more diligent in praying for our schools. I also found some neat resources for Wyatt to use at home so that we can help him grow his faith. I don't think I would have searched had I not been in this situation.
A new stove arrives on Thursday. I did not go with Andy to order it, so I will see it for the first time when it arrives :)
So, the big decision. We are taking the hard and scary road and keeping Julia right where she is. It has been stated a few times in my memory of late that when you are at a crossroads, God would probably have you take the harder road. This crossroads was difficult because both choices meant hardship in different ways. We are taking the harder road financially and from the stance of the family schedule. Emotionally, the other road was harder, and I just could not get a peace about it. Julia was accepted at Wyatt's school, and we love the school, but something did not feel right. Much prayer went into this decision as I begged God for wisdom, but the final pieces fell into place as our church service started on Sunday. Our church held a baby dedication this past weekend, and the minister's prayer started with an acknowledgement that it will be incredibly hard for these children to live counter-culture. Immediately, this question popped into my mind, "can a six year old even do that?" Granted, I have a strong-willed almost six year old, but she is also very much a people-pleaser which has long been a concern of ours. The sermon that followed was on faithfulness, and I just felt the need to remain faithful to what we started nine years ago when we committed to taking every opportunity to pour God's word into our kids. After church we went to our Sunday school class, and our teacher started the lesson talking about a missionary imprisoned in solitary confinement who relied on the scriptures he had memorized to get through the lonely days. He found solace and joy, yes joy, in recalling those scriptures and seeing them come alive and active in his circumstances. Julia recites Psalm 23 completely from memory, and she learned it at school without much work at home. Zach and Savannah held onto most of the 2nd chapter of Luke that they learned at school for a long time after their 2nd grade classes went through it. Recalling this while hearing about this missionary really drove home the decision, but it was still in Andy's hands. He intended to spend some time in solitude Sunday night and try and get some finality on it. However, he was on call this weekend, and work interrupted. He is comfortable with this choice -as comfortable as we can be, I guess, as there is nothing comfortable about living on the edge, but we do trust our Provider. He has gotten us this far, and believe me, we have lived on this sort of edge before. I do still call this a tentative decision because we have not yet acted on it. We have not contacted Wyatt's school to release Julia's spot, and Andy would still like to meet with a friend and discuss this further. I have always been and continue to be grateful that we have choices. I have friends who successfully homeschool their children, and I have friends who are loving the public schools. I think school decisions are as individual as the children and their families.
I would add that during this process a few things have happened. We have learned of situations involving Zach's class that are bothersome, and we are working to address them. We have also found some ways to bring more of the gospel into Wyatt's school. A simple e-mail got the ball rolling on getting FCA involved with the school, so maybe this crossroads came so that we could be more diligent in praying for our schools. I also found some neat resources for Wyatt to use at home so that we can help him grow his faith. I don't think I would have searched had I not been in this situation.
A new stove arrives on Thursday. I did not go with Andy to order it, so I will see it for the first time when it arrives :)
Friday, May 21, 2010
Someday we will laugh about this, I think
Andy was roaring from the kitchen. I don't even remember what he was saying, something to the effect of "I don't believe this!" Clearly, he was not happy, and I sat in the dining room trying to ignore the inevitable. After a brief few minutes, curiosity got the best of me, so I entered the kitchen to find this:
The rest of the burner was firmly attached to the bottom of a mixing bowl. Yes, it is apparent that we need a new stove. No, this is not exactly the best of timing, and this is frustrating indeed. We have lived in our house for three years, and one burner has not worked that entire time. A few months ago one of the button covers fell off the oven controls, so I pointed out to Andy that at least this did not end the life of an oven in perfect working order. We do also still have Jesus, and this is not a new form of crisis for us.
So how did our trusty appliance come to this demise? Andy's cheesecake was such a family hit on Mother's Day that he decided to make another one last night. He had cream cheese in a metal mixing bowl softening on the stove top while enchiladas baked in the oven. When Andy went to pick up the mixing bowl, a rubber ring on the bottom of the bowl had melted to the stove top, and part of the stove top came up with the bowl. To answer the obvious question, no, there were no burners in use at that time. The only heat being generated in that area was coming from the oven. My thought is that maybe this emergency stopped a more serious one as clearly the top should not have broken so easily. Shortly after this fiasco, our power went out and remained out until sometime in the night. I think that is a Thursday thing with this second power outage.
I offered Andy a challenge this morning..how about saving for a new stove and seeing how long we can hold out before breaking down and buying it? We are not unaccustomed to living with broken things. We have several non-working electrical outlets, some broken closet doors, and a few broken dining room chairs. This broken stove is, however, considered an emergency as neither of us think it is safe to let this go. This one won't go on the "to save for" list.
In other family news: Please pray for my mom. She was admitted to the hospital today after being miserably ill and feverish for a week. She really hasn't felt well since her surgery. I am praying that this is something easily treatable.
The rest of the burner was firmly attached to the bottom of a mixing bowl. Yes, it is apparent that we need a new stove. No, this is not exactly the best of timing, and this is frustrating indeed. We have lived in our house for three years, and one burner has not worked that entire time. A few months ago one of the button covers fell off the oven controls, so I pointed out to Andy that at least this did not end the life of an oven in perfect working order. We do also still have Jesus, and this is not a new form of crisis for us.
So how did our trusty appliance come to this demise? Andy's cheesecake was such a family hit on Mother's Day that he decided to make another one last night. He had cream cheese in a metal mixing bowl softening on the stove top while enchiladas baked in the oven. When Andy went to pick up the mixing bowl, a rubber ring on the bottom of the bowl had melted to the stove top, and part of the stove top came up with the bowl. To answer the obvious question, no, there were no burners in use at that time. The only heat being generated in that area was coming from the oven. My thought is that maybe this emergency stopped a more serious one as clearly the top should not have broken so easily. Shortly after this fiasco, our power went out and remained out until sometime in the night. I think that is a Thursday thing with this second power outage.
I offered Andy a challenge this morning..how about saving for a new stove and seeing how long we can hold out before breaking down and buying it? We are not unaccustomed to living with broken things. We have several non-working electrical outlets, some broken closet doors, and a few broken dining room chairs. This broken stove is, however, considered an emergency as neither of us think it is safe to let this go. This one won't go on the "to save for" list.
In other family news: Please pray for my mom. She was admitted to the hospital today after being miserably ill and feverish for a week. She really hasn't felt well since her surgery. I am praying that this is something easily treatable.
Saturday, May 8, 2010
What a Downer
When Zach was ready to start kindergarten, and we were making that difficult decision about where he would attend school, I felt God say to me that if my true goal for my kids was that they follow Christ, then it did not make sense to send them to a school where that would not be the basis of their education. Don't get me wrong. I know many families who have amazing children following closely after Christ who have grown up in schools where Christ was not the focus. I, however, have found that our family consistently fails to do the things at home that makes this arrangement work even when we have the best of intentions.
After bouncing from school to school myself, my goal was to be consistent with their education and try to keep them in one place for as long as possible. Andy grew up in a very small town and was determined to place our kids in a school that was big enough to support a football team. Affording the school meant that I could give up any hope of ever being a stay at home mom, but since we were accustomed to paying for daycare, the tuition hit to our budget just meant no break from that expense. After a couple of years, we applied for and qualified for tuition assistance. This program allows donors to give money to the school to be dispersed to families that need help paying tuition. As our family expanded, the amount we received in tuition assistance did too.
Today we received the tuition assistance letter for next year and learned that we no longer qualify. Since Andy has not seen a cost of living raise in nine years and had no raise last year, this was surprising news to say the least. My raise was better last year but in no way matched what we received in tuition assistance. I have been so upset since I opened the letter as the difference is about $375.00 a month. I don't see how we can adjust for that. It is still early as we just got the news today, and maybe we can do some creative financing, but I am so tired of decisions about school. We were pretty well settled in our choices until Wyatt started school last fall and things went downhill quickly. Then Zach wrestled with a decision for next year, and now I am faced with the possibility of having no choice but to pull somebody out of the school that has been a part of our life and loved by us for nine years.
It looks like our choice will be to move Julia. She may still be able to get into Wyatt's school. Zach has been there the longest, and I have never felt like Savannah could thrive anywhere esle (she is the one who said "I refuse" at the age of six when I mentioned that we may have to give up our school to adopt Julia)
Even as I have pondered this surprising turn of events, I am well aware that we are very blessed. I also know that God may have a plan that I can't see. He has blessed us with this Christian education for nine years. Maybe it is time for one more of our kids to be salt and light. Maybe He has a miracle waiting for us. Maybe this is discipline for my own sin. Maybe we need more lessons in sacrifice and should give up more of what we love such as sports for the kids or date nights for Andy and me so that we can demonstrate that we love God more. While still stunned by this news, I watched Hannah's Story a documentary from Bring Me Hope (http://www.bringmehope.org/), and that is quite a reminder of just how blessed we are. I want everyone I know to see it. Whatever happens, I know the waiting should not be long. I think we have just a couple of weeks to decide what we will do before we will have to pay some portion of the tuition. If only my heart wasn't so heavy and I didn't feel so whiny. sigh
After bouncing from school to school myself, my goal was to be consistent with their education and try to keep them in one place for as long as possible. Andy grew up in a very small town and was determined to place our kids in a school that was big enough to support a football team. Affording the school meant that I could give up any hope of ever being a stay at home mom, but since we were accustomed to paying for daycare, the tuition hit to our budget just meant no break from that expense. After a couple of years, we applied for and qualified for tuition assistance. This program allows donors to give money to the school to be dispersed to families that need help paying tuition. As our family expanded, the amount we received in tuition assistance did too.
Today we received the tuition assistance letter for next year and learned that we no longer qualify. Since Andy has not seen a cost of living raise in nine years and had no raise last year, this was surprising news to say the least. My raise was better last year but in no way matched what we received in tuition assistance. I have been so upset since I opened the letter as the difference is about $375.00 a month. I don't see how we can adjust for that. It is still early as we just got the news today, and maybe we can do some creative financing, but I am so tired of decisions about school. We were pretty well settled in our choices until Wyatt started school last fall and things went downhill quickly. Then Zach wrestled with a decision for next year, and now I am faced with the possibility of having no choice but to pull somebody out of the school that has been a part of our life and loved by us for nine years.
It looks like our choice will be to move Julia. She may still be able to get into Wyatt's school. Zach has been there the longest, and I have never felt like Savannah could thrive anywhere esle (she is the one who said "I refuse" at the age of six when I mentioned that we may have to give up our school to adopt Julia)
Even as I have pondered this surprising turn of events, I am well aware that we are very blessed. I also know that God may have a plan that I can't see. He has blessed us with this Christian education for nine years. Maybe it is time for one more of our kids to be salt and light. Maybe He has a miracle waiting for us. Maybe this is discipline for my own sin. Maybe we need more lessons in sacrifice and should give up more of what we love such as sports for the kids or date nights for Andy and me so that we can demonstrate that we love God more. While still stunned by this news, I watched Hannah's Story a documentary from Bring Me Hope (http://www.bringmehope.org/), and that is quite a reminder of just how blessed we are. I want everyone I know to see it. Whatever happens, I know the waiting should not be long. I think we have just a couple of weeks to decide what we will do before we will have to pay some portion of the tuition. If only my heart wasn't so heavy and I didn't feel so whiny. sigh
Thursday, April 1, 2010
You just don't respnd to your children...
I took Julia shopping for an Easter dress for church last weekend. Dressing my girls while they are young enough to let me is a bad habit of mine. I still had a couple of perfectly suitable dresses from when Savannah was little hanging in the closet, but Julia did not like them, and I actually wanted to see something new myself. Keeping them was a mistake as someone else surely could have benefited from them. I have not bought new Easter clothes for the kids for the last two years and really wanted to have them dress nicely for church for a change this year. So off Julia and I went to find a simple, inexpensive Easter dress. Julia and I have different tastes and disagreed on the proper Easter attire for church. Julia had leggings and long t-shirts trimmed in tulle in mind. I was thinking of a simple dress. When we were clearly not close to an agreement and starting to leave the second store, Julia hit me with this comment, "you just do not respond to your children." "Excuse me?" I replied. She followed that with, "you just do not respond to your children the way a mother should." Now this is clearly a disrespectful statement, but you simply have to understand Julia. She says such things with such great delivery that correcting her is not an option. You are simply laughing too hard to do it. In the end we compromised. I bought the outfit pictured here and a dress along with a few other things that I did not budget for this outing -ouch! Julia got to wear her choice to church last weekend, and she has a simple white sundress for Easter.
This has been a rough week for our family. Shiloh was sick for two days...messy sick, and Andy is dealing with a demanding situation at work requiring looooong workdays and lots of stress. He was on call from Christmas until New Year's and will be on call Easter weekend as well. Julia, however, had much to look forward to this week. Her school blossomed the cross on Wednesday. Unfortunately, Andy could not be there because of his work. I was going to try and surprise her, but I was too busy at work myself to leave that day. In addition to this special school tradition, Julia was also going to have grandparents day at school. Grandparents day is exclusively a kindergarten event at this school and a very big deal. Julia has anxiously anticipated this for weeks. Andy's mom came in last night to attend grandparents day and just as it was the last time she visited, Andy was on call and working on the laptop and phone for a good portion of his visit. Julia went with my mother-in-law to school and met my parents there. They all had a fabulous time with a hyper Julia, and it seems that the grandparents all forgot their cameras. What?!! Cameras or not, this is just another one of those times when I remember that if we hadn't followed God's lead and stepped out of the boat, somewhere in China a little girl would grow up without a family. It might not have been Julia, but there are still too many orphans in this world. One more note...as I typed this entry Julia was looking over my shoulder and trying to read as I typed. She kept asking me to read it to her, and I ignored her in my state of concentration, so she asked me: "Are you going to answer me like a polite woman should?!"
When we brought Julia home from China, I used to say, "she thinks life is a party and she is the guest of honor." hmm, has anything changed?
I now have a saying for Wyatt in regard to his recent behavior at school, "why learn when you can talk?" -yes, that was another issue this week, I won't whine about all the details of this rough, rough week because we will make it, spring break is right around the corner
Thursday, March 11, 2010
stepping onto my soapbox
In January unexpected news rocked my world. After lots of tests and waiting and an incorrect diagnosis, my mom was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. A walnut sized tumor resides on her pancreas, and she also sports a hot spot on her liver. If chemo goes well, she may have surgery that will greatly increase her survival odds. We are praying for chemo to go well. This diagnosis shocked and devastated me. Pancreatic cancer is not unfamiliar to me. A dear friend lost her mother to it when we were seniors in college, and a colleague lost her sister to it last year. I am well aware that this is a grim diagnosis. However, I have been incredibly shocked by the responses of friends. I thought I was being overly sensitive, but when I finally shared some of these comments with my Bible study group and saw their jaws drop, I realized that I may not have over-reacted. These are some of the daggers that have pierced my heart over the last few weeks:
These are just a few examples of comments said to me. I didn't think I had my hopes up, but each time I faced one of these daggers, it stung until the sweet, renewed mercies of God came in the morning. Now, they just make me mad. I can't pretend that I have never said the wrong thing. Nor can I pretend that my words have never hurt anyone. If I have hurt you by saying the wrong thing, I am sorry. I am learning so much right now. However, I do not recall ever saying anything like the things listed above. I will say that when you care about someone on a tough journey, you can encourage them. I would rather hear:
My mom is walking this journey in peace. She knows to Whom she belongs, and she is fighting for her life because life is worth the fight. She also knows; as Billy Graham said after our nation was rocked by terrorist attacks in 2001, those who have gone to Heaven would not come back to this world for anything.
As for me I am not walking around with swollen and red eyes. I am not ripping my clothes and missing work to wallow in grief. My mom is still alive, and I am still praying for a miracle from the one Who can heal her. I am not taking a pill to get through the day. I think this may be the reason for these statements. I think I have friends who think I must not get it. I get it alright! My response to the daggers may not be the best one, but it is already building. I am completing the steel walls that will protect my heart. If you ask for an update on my mom, you will get the facts and nothing more. I no longer mention this road I am on to people who don't already know. I have already seen the danger in that. I will lean in to God and family on this journey.
I am now stepping off of my soapbox.
- You aren't getting your hopes up about that surgery, are you? If you read about it online, you will see that doctors are reluctant to do it because most people die before they recover. (Yep, online medical research is always top notch).
- If your mom isn't reacting to the chemo, then it isn't working. (I missed the announcement that you got a medical degree.)
- I will pray that your mom goes quickly without much suffering. (Thanks, but do you mind praying along with me for a miracle?)
These are just a few examples of comments said to me. I didn't think I had my hopes up, but each time I faced one of these daggers, it stung until the sweet, renewed mercies of God came in the morning. Now, they just make me mad. I can't pretend that I have never said the wrong thing. Nor can I pretend that my words have never hurt anyone. If I have hurt you by saying the wrong thing, I am sorry. I am learning so much right now. However, I do not recall ever saying anything like the things listed above. I will say that when you care about someone on a tough journey, you can encourage them. I would rather hear:
- I am sorry.
- I know this is tough.
- I am praying for you.
- How can I help, or how can I pray?
My mom is walking this journey in peace. She knows to Whom she belongs, and she is fighting for her life because life is worth the fight. She also knows; as Billy Graham said after our nation was rocked by terrorist attacks in 2001, those who have gone to Heaven would not come back to this world for anything.
As for me I am not walking around with swollen and red eyes. I am not ripping my clothes and missing work to wallow in grief. My mom is still alive, and I am still praying for a miracle from the one Who can heal her. I am not taking a pill to get through the day. I think this may be the reason for these statements. I think I have friends who think I must not get it. I get it alright! My response to the daggers may not be the best one, but it is already building. I am completing the steel walls that will protect my heart. If you ask for an update on my mom, you will get the facts and nothing more. I no longer mention this road I am on to people who don't already know. I have already seen the danger in that. I will lean in to God and family on this journey.
I am now stepping off of my soapbox.
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
suffering
Recently I read an entry on a devotional blog about the upside down hope that we have. The entry came from Dayspring, and while I get e-mails from Dayspring that regularly direct me to the blogs, I never open them, but on this particular day, I opened the e-mail and read the blog entry. The entry was based on Romans 5:3-4--Not only so but we rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. The author's take on this verse is that in God's economy, we suffer first, persevere, build character and then have hope. However, in our economy, we typically hope first. For further reading on this, you can visit the blog at http://blog.dayspring.com/2009/12/a-different-kind-of-hope-part-three.html.
Right now my family is suffering and hearts are breaking as my mom undergoes health testing. I will not disclose the details of her tests and all that without permission, but she is having scans today to see if she can have surgery. Julia and I are home today as Julia is fighting strep again. Where two or more are gathered in His name, God promises to be present, so Julia and I prayed this morning for a scan that is miraculously, mysteriously, and divinely clean. Of course we didn't leave out Julia, Zach, and Andy in our prayer as they are all feeling rather yucky right now. I am asking everyone to pray for my mom and my family during this trying time. The good news is that God is granting my mom peace in these circumstances. On Saturday my family gathered at our church after services and had my mom anointed by the elders. It was a precious time together, and Mom has expressed again and again how grateful she was that everyone could be there. We all went out to dinner afterwards, and it was a very nice time. We do all know that God is still in the business of miracles. Simply reading some of the previous entries in this blog reveals that, so we suffer and try to persevere so that we might eventually cling to hope.
Right now my family is suffering and hearts are breaking as my mom undergoes health testing. I will not disclose the details of her tests and all that without permission, but she is having scans today to see if she can have surgery. Julia and I are home today as Julia is fighting strep again. Where two or more are gathered in His name, God promises to be present, so Julia and I prayed this morning for a scan that is miraculously, mysteriously, and divinely clean. Of course we didn't leave out Julia, Zach, and Andy in our prayer as they are all feeling rather yucky right now. I am asking everyone to pray for my mom and my family during this trying time. The good news is that God is granting my mom peace in these circumstances. On Saturday my family gathered at our church after services and had my mom anointed by the elders. It was a precious time together, and Mom has expressed again and again how grateful she was that everyone could be there. We all went out to dinner afterwards, and it was a very nice time. We do all know that God is still in the business of miracles. Simply reading some of the previous entries in this blog reveals that, so we suffer and try to persevere so that we might eventually cling to hope.
Saturday, December 5, 2009
Life comes at you fast!
Thursday night was a bit different around here. Normally, Andy takes Zach to wrestling then heads off to Bible study. I take Julia to gymnastics, and another parent brings Zach home. However, Andy's study is on break right now, and the informational meeting about moving Julia up in gymnastics was scheduled for that night. Since I am in a quandary about this class, and Andy has not seen her practice this semester, I let him take Julia and attend the meeting. I took both the boys to wrestling as Wyatt has joined the team.
Wrestling is a different world. The high schoolers practice before the elementary and middle school students, so I left home with a warning from Andy to let the boys go in and then wait a few minutes before entering myself. Apparently, weigh ins occur at the end of practice, and some of the high schoolers shed everything to make weight. Some moms have been privy to full frontal nudity simply for walking their boys into the gym...ick! Anyway, I digress as this post is not about making weight for wrestling.
Although it was a two hour practice, I felt that I needed to be there since Wyatt is new to this and so very young. At first when I watched the boys warm up, I got a huge kick out of Wyatt. What a hoot!!! He works, stops, works, stops, and has the confidence to think he is hanging with the big boys. They all treat him like a beloved little brother and watch out for him. Seeing this, I knew it was safe to leave and once the sparing started, I was tempted.
However, I was parked a good a piece away, and it was a cold night, so I kept just sitting there...sitting still does not come easily to me. I stayed for the entire practice and ended up witnessing probably the most awful thing I have ever seen. In the last 25 minutes, I heard a loud pop and then a scream rang out along with a cry, "MY LEG!" I knew that voice well. This was the voice of a child who I have driven home from a nearby county weekly during last year's wrestling season and right up until the start of football season. This was a friend of Zach's and a great kid. I knew his leg was broken from hearing the pop. Coaches ran to him and shuffled the kids to the other side of the gym as parents ran out of the gym (cell service is hard to get in there) and called EMS and the police. I knew that since our boys have joined a bigger team that those parents don't know Tristan's parents. I left the building and called my friend and Tristan's mom, Barb. How do you tell someone their child is injured and in agony when they are likely to be driving? As it turns out, Barb was in the parking lot.
EMS transported Tristan to the hospital. Hearing his cries as they splinted his legs and moved him onto the board was just about unbearable. His leg is broken in two places and will require a rod and pins. The swelling is so bad that they don't believe they can perform surgery until Tuesday. Please pray for Tristan and his family. Tristan has pinned every opponent he faced in wrestling this season and had a good shot at state. He is a true athlete and now faces a long recovery. I am praying that he has a full recovery as I know this injury could have long term consequences.
Our Zach is a talented athlete, but this is the very reason that I encourage him to concern himself with school more than sports. Sports are iffy. Andy ruined his knee in high school playing a pick up game of basketball. That event shifted his career choice as his plan A was the Air Force, and they wouldn't have him. Life can change in an instant, but I am hoping that this change is temporary for Tristan. After all, it wouldn't break my heart to call him son in law someday (lol).
P.S. Allie, He is a little old for Julia, so it would be for Savannah.
Wrestling is a different world. The high schoolers practice before the elementary and middle school students, so I left home with a warning from Andy to let the boys go in and then wait a few minutes before entering myself. Apparently, weigh ins occur at the end of practice, and some of the high schoolers shed everything to make weight. Some moms have been privy to full frontal nudity simply for walking their boys into the gym...ick! Anyway, I digress as this post is not about making weight for wrestling.
Although it was a two hour practice, I felt that I needed to be there since Wyatt is new to this and so very young. At first when I watched the boys warm up, I got a huge kick out of Wyatt. What a hoot!!! He works, stops, works, stops, and has the confidence to think he is hanging with the big boys. They all treat him like a beloved little brother and watch out for him. Seeing this, I knew it was safe to leave and once the sparing started, I was tempted.
However, I was parked a good a piece away, and it was a cold night, so I kept just sitting there...sitting still does not come easily to me. I stayed for the entire practice and ended up witnessing probably the most awful thing I have ever seen. In the last 25 minutes, I heard a loud pop and then a scream rang out along with a cry, "MY LEG!" I knew that voice well. This was the voice of a child who I have driven home from a nearby county weekly during last year's wrestling season and right up until the start of football season. This was a friend of Zach's and a great kid. I knew his leg was broken from hearing the pop. Coaches ran to him and shuffled the kids to the other side of the gym as parents ran out of the gym (cell service is hard to get in there) and called EMS and the police. I knew that since our boys have joined a bigger team that those parents don't know Tristan's parents. I left the building and called my friend and Tristan's mom, Barb. How do you tell someone their child is injured and in agony when they are likely to be driving? As it turns out, Barb was in the parking lot.
EMS transported Tristan to the hospital. Hearing his cries as they splinted his legs and moved him onto the board was just about unbearable. His leg is broken in two places and will require a rod and pins. The swelling is so bad that they don't believe they can perform surgery until Tuesday. Please pray for Tristan and his family. Tristan has pinned every opponent he faced in wrestling this season and had a good shot at state. He is a true athlete and now faces a long recovery. I am praying that he has a full recovery as I know this injury could have long term consequences.
Our Zach is a talented athlete, but this is the very reason that I encourage him to concern himself with school more than sports. Sports are iffy. Andy ruined his knee in high school playing a pick up game of basketball. That event shifted his career choice as his plan A was the Air Force, and they wouldn't have him. Life can change in an instant, but I am hoping that this change is temporary for Tristan. After all, it wouldn't break my heart to call him son in law someday (lol).
P.S. Allie, He is a little old for Julia, so it would be for Savannah.
Friday, September 18, 2009
figuring it all out
It has been crazy busy here, and I have much blogging to do and many pictures to share, but I will simply try and organize my thoughts here with a few bullet posts.
- Zachary continues to play and love football. Recently, he earned an offensive tackle position. He loves playing the defensive line and was thrilled with the opportunity to play on the offensive line too. Unfortunately, it is much too tiring to do both, so he is back to just the defensive line. In his game this week, one of his opponents said that Zach is the strongest player he has ever had to face. Wow!!... such a nice compliment and great sportsmanship from that player
- Savannah --After a rocky start to school, Savannah has finally settled in to the routine. She is making new friends and enjoying school more each day. Field hockey keeps her busy. She played three games just this week and got to try her hand at goalie in two of them.
- Wyatt--Knowing English greatly helps Wyatt to actually like school this year. He is anxious to learn and proudly spelled "September" for me just the other day. Wyatt still eats constantly and has run out of food money at school because he was eating breakfast at home and at school every day and buying extra items at lunch. We have ended that little spree for him as he got busted big time when the notice arrived indicating that he had no money left in his account. There were some lies on his part that needed to be addressed, so this has not been pleasant, but he is learning. Wyatt plays soccer and is anxious for the last game and a trophy.
- Julia is also playing soccer, and school is going rather well for her. I will conference with her teacher this week and get the real scoop, but Julia seems to like being a big kid. I will leave you with one of my favorite recent quotes from Julia. "I can't sleep because my cough keeps waking me up to play."
Saturday, August 1, 2009
and so it starts
I returned to work on Wednesday this week, and the school year fog has begun. That is how I feel during the school year - constantly tired, overwhelmed and behind. On Wednesday evening, Andy and I made a trip to the funeral home to say goodbye to a friend from years ago. July has been a rough month as this was the fourth unexpected death of someone too young. We did not know everyone who died, but they were connected to our circles of the past or present in some way. What a reminder that we are not promised tomorrow!
From Wednesday to Friday, we had evening obligations. On Thursday it was the middle school sports meeting that ran rather loooooooooooong. Andy wasn't able to attend, and I needed to be in two places at once, so it was a rough evening and the one where I felt particularly overwhelmed. It looks like I will mostly see Zachary and Savannah on the way to or from a practice or game from now until mid-October. These middles school sports obligations are intense! I will miss my kids!
Last night we took Savannah and the little people to a swim party and potluck dinner for the field hockey team. Note to self - little people do not get to attend this event next year. Wyatt was mean to Julia on the way to the party and in trouble when we got there, so he was pouting. The home was an immaculate and beautifully landscaped place. I went to set up our food. Andy was stuck in the van fixing some problem from work as he was on call, and Julia took the opportunity to stand amongst the landscaped rocks and throw them by the handful into the perfectly cut grass. Where does she ever get this kind of idea?!! I was horrified! I met a few parents, and it was fun to chat with them, but I was constantly distracted by watching Wyatt and Julia in the pool.
Things aren't looking better for next week. We have something on the calendar every night. The house is already behind in cleaning, and since the kids spend their days here, it seems that it is worse every time I walk in the door. We had many rainy and cool days this summer, so our pool time was very limited. We never once made it to the zoo. Julia did not come close to finishing her summer reading, and I never painted the walls that I had hoped to get to this summer. I have, however, rested, and that has been good. So, now I must schedule in an electrician and plumber, get Wyatt to the one appointment that I didn't schedule this summer, possibly replace the breaks on the van, and try and have a life. The good news is that I should have a little bit of an easier schedule on Monday afternoons this year as everyone will ride the bus home, and I won't have to pick anyone up. So, it begins....may post again on Christmas break (lol).
From Wednesday to Friday, we had evening obligations. On Thursday it was the middle school sports meeting that ran rather loooooooooooong. Andy wasn't able to attend, and I needed to be in two places at once, so it was a rough evening and the one where I felt particularly overwhelmed. It looks like I will mostly see Zachary and Savannah on the way to or from a practice or game from now until mid-October. These middles school sports obligations are intense! I will miss my kids!
Last night we took Savannah and the little people to a swim party and potluck dinner for the field hockey team. Note to self - little people do not get to attend this event next year. Wyatt was mean to Julia on the way to the party and in trouble when we got there, so he was pouting. The home was an immaculate and beautifully landscaped place. I went to set up our food. Andy was stuck in the van fixing some problem from work as he was on call, and Julia took the opportunity to stand amongst the landscaped rocks and throw them by the handful into the perfectly cut grass. Where does she ever get this kind of idea?!! I was horrified! I met a few parents, and it was fun to chat with them, but I was constantly distracted by watching Wyatt and Julia in the pool.
Things aren't looking better for next week. We have something on the calendar every night. The house is already behind in cleaning, and since the kids spend their days here, it seems that it is worse every time I walk in the door. We had many rainy and cool days this summer, so our pool time was very limited. We never once made it to the zoo. Julia did not come close to finishing her summer reading, and I never painted the walls that I had hoped to get to this summer. I have, however, rested, and that has been good. So, now I must schedule in an electrician and plumber, get Wyatt to the one appointment that I didn't schedule this summer, possibly replace the breaks on the van, and try and have a life. The good news is that I should have a little bit of an easier schedule on Monday afternoons this year as everyone will ride the bus home, and I won't have to pick anyone up. So, it begins....may post again on Christmas break (lol).
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