Taekwondo, Pal!

Today was a big day for Wyatt.  After asking about it many times, he finally got to test for his yellow belt.  Andy picked him up from class on Tuesday, and Wyatt excitedly showed him the invitation through the window.  We felt some sticker shock when we learned the test would set us back $75.00, and there was a small amount of stress over the fact that Wyatt was required to write an essay on how Taekwondo has helped him. 

trading out that old white belt

As part of the ceremony, the old belt gets thrown at the parents...nice, huh?

team cheer, at this point the Master told the kids that they chould celebrate with "steak" at McDonald's

 As we left the gym, Wyatt revealed that he was worried that he would have to spar.  He was genuinely surprised that he did not have to do that.

Success!

Our plan was to celebrate with Chinese food, but we were short on time, so Wyatt settled for Burger King.  He opted for apple slices instead of fries :) and an icee instead of a soft drink making it the most expensive fast food kid's meal I have ever bought.

I must explain the title.  Wyatt calls people, including me, "Pal" on occasion.

the ugly truth

“Can’t you see that he is there, hanging on the gallows?’’ The words pierced my heart as I read them. I never intended to read that book. What compelled me to do so, I do not know. The book was short, and it chronicled Elie Wiesel’s experience in a concentration camp. Who was on the gallows? The quote revealed Wiesel’s thoughts when a prisoner cried out “where is God?’ I do not remember who was actually, visibly hung at that point in the story, but I believe it was a ten-year-old boy. The guards required the prisoners to watch the executions to control them lest they get any ideas about slighting their captors by doing such things as sneaking a bite of soup.




How does one reconcile the Holocaust with a loving God? His chosen people tortured, killed, terrified. I understood Wiesel’s take on the situation even as I found the account heart-breaking. The book never indicates that Wiesel found faith again. Understanding this is one thing. Experiencing it on some level is another.



On that awful Wednesday when I watched my mother struggle in her last moments, I felt nothing but numbness. I understood Wiesel even better. Where was God? I expected peace that transcends understanding. I expected something to indicate He was there or that she was with Him when it was over. I got nothing. I concluded that He never existed in the first place or that I had been abandoned, and my mom had too. The feeling part of God escapes me. I feel like a fake when confronted with an assignment where I am supposed to feel God or hear him because I usually do not.



Logically, I know that proof exists that the God of Abraham is real and that He did indeed sacrifice His son for our salvation. However, logically and emotionally I found no proof on that awful day. What now do I do with this?



For now, I remember small things such as:

Joshua felt peace the day before and the day of Mom’s departure.

Andy pointed out that Mom had seen death on several occasions, and she still put her trust in God.

Sometimes it is just habit like when I pray that God will help me.

I keep studying His word, but I do so without expectation that it will do anything other than make me a better person when I know it should strengthen my relationship.

I keep trying to train my children to follow God’s word.

I remind myself that God was silent for 400 years before the birth of Christ and that He might be silent for the rest of my life.



I also attend church because I want to be around my church family, not because I want to worship. I refuse prayer from the elders because it seems pointless when I feel no connection to God. I wonder if I have built my life on a fairy tale.



Even so, the foundation seems sure or at least so ingrained that to remove it would require a conscious effort.



What now do I do? Did I lose my God and my mom on the same day?



In the midst of all this, I am working on two studies, and the verse highlighted in both….Ephesians 3:20…He is able, more than able.  I have no idea why this verse or why now, but I will continue to study.

Life Goes On



Peyton and Zach

 We lost Mom on a Wednesday, and on Friday I found myself at Zach's football banquet.  I was rather distracted that night, still reeling from the pain of seeing my mother leave and from the frustration of not feeling God's presence in the whole ordeal.   Most families would have been at a visitation in that time frame, but I was glad that ours would be later. The banquet held a momentous occasion for Zach - the receipt of his varsity letter.  I was so impressed that the school supplied the letter, the bar for his sleeve, the pin for this year, and the numbers for his graduation year.  They did not supply the jacket - ouch!  However, I know from this past year that the football team orders the jackets together to get a discount,  I will be saving my pennies - actually more, in hopes that we can afford to buy the jacket in the fall.  Some of the boys wore their jackets as part of a chorus concert piece this past fall, and they look like they stepped out of the fifties...very American, and nostalgic.



Is he going to the dance, or will he be a bouncer?  How 'bout that tie?  Zach chose the shirt, and I chose the tie which I thought had a bit of rock 'n' roll flair.



One day later we found ourselves sneaking into Zach's first winter ball. I love the way his school handles dances.  They don't encourage dates, in fact, they discourage them.  Parents are always invited, though often discouraged by their kids. Zach went out to dinner with a friend and then went to the dance.  Andy and I did not visit the dance with the intention of sneaking around behind Zach's back.  However, I am convinced that he never saw us and still doesn't realize we were there even though I have mentioned some things specific to the dance such as the fact that Justin Bieber (Zach is not a fan) was played at the dance.

One week later Julia participated in a gymnastics meet.  Considering that she missed a week and a half (she practices twice a week) of practice prior to the meet, she did quite well.  She made it to the last practice before the meet and learned a new beam routine which she did very well.  At level two, the meets are more about giving the girls experience with being judged. They all receive the same trophy and a t-shirt.  All the ribbons are red or blue depending on the scores. I will never figure out the scoring.  Julia had a solid score and a solid routine on the floor.  One of Julia's teammates did what appeared to be a fairly solid floor routine and scored really low. 

God-willing, Julia will continue to pursue gymnastics as it seems to be something that has moved beyond just fun.  She wants the challenge of learning new things.  Julia told Andy after this competition that the girls on one of the other teams did a flip on the beam, and she wants to do that too.  Julia was recently embarrassed by her coaches when they made over her for being the first to manage a handstand on the beam.

Unfortunately, we took the camera without the memory card, so we have no pictures. 

Julia's scores:
vault 9.0
bars 8.4  (usually Julia's best event, but she botched her dismount)
beam 8.9
floor 9.15

We followed Julia's meet with a girl's night out for Tessa who turns 30 tomorrow.  We really wanted to rally around her as her birthday comes so close on the heels of losing Mom and as it is a big one.  After our girl's night out, we met at my parents' house where I held on to my record of being unable to beat anyone at Tetris on the Wii.  The kids and Tiffany stayed the night there. 

Andy and I slipped away to sleep in our own bed and to make it back to church as it had been a few weeks for me.  During our church service I was struck by the fact that the last time I had communion was with my mom, and it was the last time she had it.  Someone from church came to the hospital to deliver it to her, and she almost turned them away.  Tiffany and I shared that moment with her.

It is Monday now, and I think that I will not work a full week in January.  I am still off work from my second job and should return next week, but today I am home from school as well.  Savannah has fought a fever off and on since Thursday.  I do not think she will be able to attend school tomorrow either as her temperature is rising as the day continues.  Normally, Andy would work from home so that I can be at work, especially after I missed a whole week this month already, but he has missed quite a bit too and is working through some transition stuff.  My other back up would have been Mom.  If she were here and well, Savannah would be there today.  I am sure of it.  Dad is not exactly nurturing, so Savannah stays with me now. This is especially hard on Savannah as she is already overwhelmed with make-up work and projects.

I do not want to leave Wyatt out of this post as he has just been too cute lately.  He comes to me throughout the day at random times and gives me hugs and kisses.  He also counts them saying things like, "this is the fourth kiss and hug today."

Overwhelmed

A friend loves at all times....Proverbs 17:17

Check out this peace lily sent by our sweet friends, the Trans.  It arrived at our house yesterday and has to be the most beautiful peace lily arrangement I have ever seen.

We had more people than I can count show up for Mom's visitation.  Tara's friends, my friends from work, Tessa's friends from work, and my Sunday school class has kept us well fed.  Beautiful flower arrangements adorned the funeral home, and very few had gladiolas (Mom hated those).  We have been loved on by so many, and I can never say thanks enough.

The minister did a great job with the service.  He is a very likable and down to earth kind of guy.  Andy spoke.  My husband can preach!!  One of my friends asked if he missed his calling.

I am exhausted.  Sleep does not come easily.  Most of the time, I am either at peace or numb.  I expect much harder days ahead.  I already dread Mother's Day.  As for the rest of my family, my sisters are all having a really hard time.  My stoic brother Joshua and Dad are harder to read, but I think Dad really struggles.  Jonathan seems okay.

As for the kids, Savannah has had the hardest time.  Her heart was broken when one of her aunts told her that she will not remember her grandma.  Savannah wants so badly to remember, so we bought journals for the girls.  We can all record our memories as they come because I firmly believe that you remember what you write.  Savannah had several friends visit at the funeral home, and it did her so much good. 

We very much appreciate all of the support we have had over the last couple of weeks.

Memories of Mom

     Since posting Mom's obituary on the the blog, I have been purposely silent.  Life has continued.  Zach attended a football banquet and a school dance.  I will post more on that later, but to go on with life, while necessary, seems to diminish the honor owed to Mom.

     I knew that at some point I would come back to this and post my memories.  I am sure there will be more to come, but I want to start now with what comes to mind. I cannot remember specific stories.  I know they will come, but I do remember these things about my mom.
     Mom had the following rules about naming children.

• You don't name children after anyone.  If the person you would have named them after is a disaster, then your child doesn't have to live that down.  If the person is amazing, your child doesn't have the pressure to live up to that name. It saves a lot of confusion too.
• You do not use names where the child's initials spell anything.
• You name the child whatever you plan to call them.  Mom was strongly opposed to nicknames or using a middle name instead of a first name because every school year, it had to be clarified with every teacher.

     Mom could match anything. If you needed to find the right color pants or skirt to match a blouse, she could do it on memory. She did not have to have the blouse or a swatch of fabric with her.
    Mom's mind was full of trivial facts.  You could rarely beat her at Trivial Pursuit.  She also had a wealth of useful information.  She was our go-to person for just about anything and especially anything medical.


Mom and me -1971



    Mom was the youngest of three children and had very little experience with children when she became a mom herself.  I have always been amazed that she went on to have six more children and was always good at figuring out the mind of a child.  She could really put herself in the shoes of children and resolve their issues.

    Online shopping was a great blessing for Mom.  She hated actually going to a store or the mall.  She was always generous with all of us for birthdays and Christmases.

     Of course she wasn't perfect, she was a great procrastinator.  Some things never got done.  I asked everyone in the family to write Zach a letter for his 13th birthday.  Mom never did.  I guess I am grateful now because none of the other kids have reached that milestone, and it would have been hard for them to not have a letter like Zach's.



          Dad left the country to fight in Vietnam and never wanted to leave again.  He says, "I left this country once, and they tried to kill me.  I am not leaving again."  This didn't stop Mom.  She traveled with Jonathan to a soccer tournament in England.  Tara and I went along.  She traveled with us to China for Julia.  She also went with friends all over Europe and to Japan. 

     Mom was also a pretty good judge of character.  She had a knack for knowing when you should be watching your back with someone. 
     Mom was a jealous mom. I did not and do not dare refer to or call my mother-in-law "mom." It would hurt my mom's feelings. Now that I am a mother, I totally get that.    
     She was our biggest cheerleader in adoption.  She offered full support and no criticism.  She loved her grandchildren and was most disappointed when I had a miscarriage while waiting for Wyatt.

     The family has enjoyed going through old pictures over the last few days.  Danielle has worked tirelessly on a CD for the funeral home.  I think it is good to have several days to prepare for the visitation and funeral.  I am struggling with things that cannot be shared on the blog...most having to do with the fact that I was with Mom when she died.  Her suffering was awful.  I fear it will haunt me for the rest of my life.  Tiffany and Jonathan are beating themselves up for not being there.  I can't say which is worse.

Vegas 1994

Mom and her friends biked down a volcano in Hawaii

another favorite of mine - Dad is opening a Christmas gift from Andy and me - a fart machine, You have to know my dad to truly appreciate this.

Mom with her sister, brother and mom -aka Grandma by the Lake

I am grateful for so many pictures and great memories.  My sisters have really been trigger happy with the pictures. It may be the longest slideshow for a life of a non-famous person ever done.

Mom

Elizabeth "Annette" Tisdale Todd was welcomed home by her savior on January 12, 2011.  She loved travel, reading, HGTV, roller coasters (in her younger days), women's Bible study, and her little dog, Jules.  She loved being surrounded by family above all else and planned awesome family vacations.

Annette worked most of her career as a registered nurse on the Bone Marrow Unit.  She was a member of a local Christian church and a weekend group.

Annette was born on October 5, 1950 to Ben Jack and Thelma Tisdale.  She was married to Ron for 41 years.

Annette was preceded in death by her father; stepfather, Al Throgmorton; her daughter, Tasha Noelle; and her sister, Yvonne.

She was much loved by the family and friends she left behind including: her mother, Thelma Throgmorton; her brother, Jack (Janie); her husband, Ron; and her children, Tamara (Andy), Tiffany (Tony), Tara, Jonathan (Danielle), Tessa, and Joshua; her grandchildren; Zachary, Savannah, Wyatt, Julia, Austin, Logan, and Regan.

p.m. update

Mom will go home tomorrow with Hospice.  She does not qualify for in-patient Hospice because her pain can be managed, and she is not vomiting uncontrollably.  Given those qualifying factors, I am grateful that she doesn't qualify.  She is miserable enough.
I am also grateful for five siblings.  For those who think big families are ridiculous, I have always enjoyed being a part of  one and have never been more grateful than now.  If not for them, I would feel like I have never been more alone in my life. 

What to say

I feel like I should be sending an update, but I really do not know what to say.

Dad has secured all the equipment necessary to get Mom home.  Dad, however, does not listen. He gave me the impression that she would be released once the equipment was at home.  Mom says he is wrong.  Dad does not have nursing care for her and without nurses, she is staying put.  He refused the services of Hospice.  He has his reasons, and I understand them.  I do not know how Mom can go home with or without nurses.  She has not had a meal in a week, and as a result, she gets weaker daily.  Within the last two days, she has fallen twice.  I know she is frustrated and discouraged.

I spent some 40 hours at the hospital since Friday, most of them sleeping as I have stayed three nights.  I came home today to make sure that Wyatt gets his homework done as this snow day is probably the only way that was going to happen without a marathan homework night on Thursday.  Unfortunately, I was more wiped out than I realized and curled up with Julia and slept for most of the afternoon.  Therefore Wyatt worked on his own and did two big chunks of his homework incorrectly.  He is discouraged, so I am not going to force him to sit down and redo it now. 

I think that I am the only one who can stay the night for the rest of this week, and I don't know what to do.  Mom would never ask me to stay and is concerned about the work I am missing, but I can tell she is grateful to have someone there.  How can you possibly be a good mom and daughter?

still praying for a miracle

Julia to Gymnast

Apparently no one checked the mail on Saturday, or this would have been up sooner.  I am glad I bought the rights as I think we will need several copies.

p.m. update - prayer points

Mom wants to go home.  When she expressed this to her doctor, he stated that he wants her to be set up with Hospice first since he thinks she needs 24 hour care.  The problem: Hospice does not provide 24 hour care.  They provide a nurse three times a week for a couple of hours.  This frustrates Dad who thinks this is too little bang for big bucks.  So Hospice wants to meet again tomorrow.  Mom does not meet the criteria for inpatient Hospice, but the nurse thinks she can work around that.  This, however, is irrelevant because Mom wants to get home.  I told Dad to contact the insurance company and get some real numbers on in home health care versus Hospice care at home.  We can then go from there. The concern is that everyone able and willing to care for Mom works full time.  I think we can somehow work this out, but I am too tired to think about it now, and I think Hospice wants a decision in the morning.  GRR.

Tiffany and I stayed the night again last night.  Mom was actually up and alert most of the day today.  She feels better, looks better and seems better.

Cruel

Tiffany and I spent the last two nights at the hospital with Mom.  Tara and Tessa will take over tonight.  Mom seems concerned about us missing work.  She started yesterday in much pain and with lots of bleeding from her mouth.  She improved throughout the day and even stayed awake for most of a game played by her favorite college team and to visit with most of the family who were here. 
She claims that her pain is being well-managed, but she looks miserable.  There was some talk yesterday about getting her home today, but I just can't see how.

Wyatt figures it out

Right now I am staying the night with my mom and can't sleep, so I will share this cute story about Wyatt.  Mom turned me down every time I asked if she wanted me to stay the night this week.  I think that she was, however, glad that Tiffany and I showed up.

Wyatt
With the return to school this week after the break, I think we were all less than thrilled.  Even Savannah, who normally loves to return to spending the day among friends in the world of learning, expressed her desire for a longer break.  As is typical, Wyatt expressed his dismay most vocally.  He announced that he hates all schools except the one that all of our kids except Wyatt attend.  Wyatt then told me that he wants to be home schooled.  From there our conversation went like this.
me: Wyatt, I have to work.  I cannot home school you and work.
Wyatt: You could quit your job (this comes from the kid who told me just several weeks ago that I should be working seven days a week instead of five so that I can buy more Bey Blades).
me: I could quit my job, but you seem to like electricity, water, and eating.
Wyatt: and special stuff too (Can you tell that his love language is gifts?)
me: Yes, Wyatt, and special stuff too.
Wyatt: Well then the kids will have to come up with the money.

At this point Wyatt started pondering this dilemma out loud.  It went like this: 
Kids get money from grown-ups.  Yeah, that's not going to work.  He then announced to me that I would indeed have to keep working.

A Matter of Time

That's what the doctor says, "It is a matter of time."  Tiffany called this afternoon with this news.  My siblings and I will work out a schedule to stay with Mom around the clock. We will hold the hands of my sweet, beautiful, and much loved mom on this side until Jesus embraces her on the other.

I am hopeful that we will do this in pairs as I think it will be too hard alone.  Andy says he will stay with me while I am there.  While my heart is broken, and prayer comes not so easily, I do realize that it is never too late for a miracle.

Mom wants to be at home, so the hospital staff is working to make it happen.

Thanks for praying, my sweet friends.

P.S. I should clear up something about my second job. I am still working there.  The manager did the schedule in a hurry and actually had plenty of available hours, so I worked Monday.  Andy called for me today to ask that I be taken off the schedule for a few weeks.

Please pray

Mom likes Justin Bieber! -typed by Julia our resident Justin Bieber fan and future blogger extraordinaire

This post, however, is not about Julia. It is about my mom who is not doing well.  She is very uncomfortable and told the nurse while I was there today that she feels like she is smothering.  Mom hasn't eaten in days and has been given some tough decisions which I cannot yet disclose here.  On Tuesday when I saw her, she did not look good.  I saw her earlier in the day on Wednesday, and she looked great.  She did not look good today when I saw her.

On a cool and related note, my dad was approached yesterday by someone wanting to spray his yard.  Dad told the man that he did not have time to talk to him because his wife is hospitalized and fighting pancreatic cancer.  The man asked Dad to let him pray for him, and he prayed for a miracle. He also got the job :)

A miracle, that's what we want!

Continuing on the hard road of cancer

We have not set up a Caring Bridge site for my mom and are mostly keeping people updated through e-mail, Facebook, and for myself, this blog.  The blog is not obviously just about Mom.  I guess I could start one just for that purpose, but if you scroll down to the list of tags, I have tagged most of the entries that pertain to her so that you can read through the history and skip the rest of the stuff I post.

This is the latest.  Mom was admitted to the hospital on Monday after 12 miserable hours awaiting a room in the ER.  She was admitted for fluid and blood clots on her lungs.  They plan to consult with her on removal of the clots today.  She expects to be home by the weekend.

Ringing in the new year and the first day of the year, 1/1/11 -couldn't resist the date

We closed the year 2010 with a celebration with Andy's family.  Because Andy is always on call from Christmas through the first business day of the New Year, Andy asked his family to take the three hour drive to our house instead of having us come to them.  Everyone was here except for our niece Page who had to work. (She actually got busted throwing a party. I think her parents were more amused than mad.) 

As usual, Wyatt anticipated the arrival of the family with over the top excitement.  Upon their arrival, he begged to open presents.  His birthday gifts from this side of the family and Christmas gifts were part of the celebration.



Alex



Mitchell




Julia loves her Justin Bieber shirt from her Aunt Dianna.

 

Dianna turns the camera on Andy



Ben sets up his army



Wyatt went on a dig for rocks. I am not sure if the dining room will recover.  Dust is everywhere, but he found every rock.



One day last week, Andy struck a deal with the little people trading 30 minutes of cleaning from them for his cooking.  He let them choose something from his new Northern Italian cookbook.  Julia chose this cake which was an all day process and required over a dozen eggs. I think Julia got the better deal.



We had sparkling grape juice for the kids.  I brought out crystal cordial cups.  The crystal once belonged to one of my great aunts, I believe. I think it came from Austria or Germany.  Why, you might ask would I trust this in the hands of children, rowdy boys no less.  Well, I have never used it, and I don't think anything should just sit hidden in a cabinet and never used.



Andy purchased a cheap bottle of champagne for the grownups.  He popped the top and poured a few glasses.  We all took a few sips, decided it was disgusting and poured it down the sink.

So that ends 2010 and begins 2011.  I have no resolutions for the new year.  My biggest resolution last year was to have a family over for dinner once a month.  I never did it, not once.  Of course that resolution was conditional on getting new dining room furniture, and we ran into a few hiccups financially that derailed our plans for that.  I am happy to report that my Christmas gift from Andy actually was a new table and two chairs.  We still need to purchase the other four to six chairs this year, but we have a start on that.  Let me give you a tip if you have a family that scratches up a beautiful table as quickly as mine does.  We are putting a few coats of polyurethane on the furniture before using it.  The garage smells terrible, but I feel better about this plan.

We bought the furniture from the store where I work my second job.  It came with my 25% employee discount.  It seems that I may be finished with this job.  I am still trying to reach my boss for confirmation, but when I called for my schedule, I was told that I am no longer on the schedule.  I vaguely remember that when I dropped to one day a week after Mom's surgery did not work out that it was to be through the holidays.  One way or another, I am fine with it.  If I am let go with the rest of the holiday help, then I will consider this to be God's will.  I took the job with what I felt was leading from God and have always felt that He would close the door when the time to leave came.  I may now resume Bible study at my church. As the deadline to register for a study quickly approaches, I question daily whether or not to go for it.

My hope for 2011 is that Mom will go into remission and then be cured of cancer.  It is a long shot, but nothing is impossible with God.  I have been wrestling with God lately.  Wrestling over His promises and how we should handle our finances. I have struggled with believing God's promises. Even in this wrestling, I am realizing how deep-rooted my faith is.  When I question, journal my thoughts and try to grasp just exactly what God plans for me and wants for me, I realize that the foundation is solid.

Hopefully, we will resume family devotional and prayer time.  We stopped it several months ago with the start of school.  Before I rest tonight, we plan to come up with a family verse for the year of 2011.

Right now I leave you, my friends, with this treasure.


The Lord bless you and keep you;
the Lord make his face shine upon you and be gracious to you;
the Lord turn his face toward you and give you peace. 
Numbers 6:24-26

I think we are mostly familiar with these phrases as the Irish blessing. In Numbers 6:22-23, God instructs Moses to tell Aaron and his sons to bless the Israelites with these words.  As one of God's chosen, I will accept a blessing straight from His mouth.