Where've I been?

The last few weeks have been typical fall weeks for us.  We've been to several football games, some in awesome evening weather, and some in scorching Saturday afternoon sun.

Andy and I enjoyed a beautiful marriage retreat with couples from our Weekend Group at church.  It's always a great way to connect with some fun people and strengthen our marriage.

We have helped serve a meal to 540 college students at CSF on Savannah's school campus.  I actually just washed dishes which is much more in my comfort zone than serving a meal.

I have been sick for more than four weeks.  It started with a cold - a knock you off your feet, nasty cold.  It was the sickest I've felt in years.  I could not miss work.  We were teaching all day long every day that first week, and my voice was a mess -- you know the kind where it is actually painful for others to listen to you.  My throat hurt so bad the first two days that I thought I might have strep.

I waited it out.  It went to my chest and just would not let go, so I finally saw a doctor just over a week ago.  I am finishing up medicine for pleurisy and a sinus infection.  The pleurisy is the worst.  Just when I think it is gone, it comes back with a vengeance.  Every time I sneezed yesterday, it felt like my right lung would explode.  Today is better.  I am not sure if that is because I am actually improving or if it is because I am taking Aspirin round the clock.

My workouts have been suspended.  I have felt less ill this week, but the fatigue that did not come with the illness initially has hit.  I was barely out of bed over the weekend and have not been out of it much this week either.  I have not missed a day of work for this illness, so I give it what I've got there and then come home and let my family and house suffer for it.

I think it's almost over.  I sure hope so.  Yes, I was sick through all those football games and that retreat and that meal for CSF.  Nobody else got sick, so I am pretty sure I have not been contagious.  This week I almost reached my breaking point with this.

Words of advice from Grandma

As anyone who has read this blog for any length of time knows, my audience is my children.  They don't read it, but someday, they might.  I am posting today the words of wisdom that my mom passed down to me.

On dating

Date many people.  You won't know what you want in someone you will marry unless you have dated several people before you meet the right one.  

This advice came back to me many months ago when reading about someone who grew up in a home that promoted courtship.  She was fully invested in this idea until she saw others who pursued it divorcing.  This lady remembered that her grandmother had questioned her about courting, saying how could she possibly know the right guy if she hadn't dated anyone else?  Her grandmother's dating days were in a community where all the parents refused to let their children go out on a date with the same person twice in a row.  So, it worked like this - if Sam wanted to take Amelia to the dance, but they just went out last weekend, then Jeff would take Amelia out for ice cream during the week.  This reminded me of my mom's advice.

Her other dating advice was that you don't date someone you would not marry.  Her advice was that you should know what characteristics were important for someone you would marry.  The list does not have to be long.  My list consisted of three criteria: I wanted someone who loved God, loved his family, and had a college degree.  That last one may sound shallow, but I felt that I would struggle with someone who did not have a degree when I did, or maybe I was afraid he would struggle with that.

While I agree with the dating advice, I realized just recently that I have not really passed it on to my children.  Dating is so different now.  I know, among their peers, they spend quite a bit of time getting to know each other before they move into dating, so maybe that works too.  I guess we will see.

On naming children

My mom is practically famous for her rules regarding children's names.

• no nicknames -name them what you intend to call them
• no naming them after anyone - don't force a child to live up or live down the reputation of someone else, and avoid the confusion of juniors, II's, III's etc.
• no initials that spell anything
• no double consonants at the end and beginning of a name (ie. no Brett Todd)
• no fancy/crazy spellings - spell the names as tradition dictates
• no gender neutral names

For the most part, I followed my mom's naming advice.  Savannah does share a middle name with my great-grandma, but I never knew her very well and just liked the name.  Zach's middle name is a family name rather than an individual name.  I actually like Mom's naming advice.  She had personal experience and good reason for almost all of it.  Her initials spelled "eat", and she hated that.  She always went by her middle name - constant frustration that she actually spent some money to change.  Her brother was named after her dad, and his son is named after him, and his grandson is the fourth in that name lineage.  Mom also had the double consonant thing in her name too which she felt made speaking her name difficult as one name doesn't truly stop before the other begins.

Of course it can be a gamble for girls who take their husband's name when they marry - could totally mess up the system which is why both my girls have middle names that start with consonants so they can't spell anything -- okay I did not choose Julia's middle name, but it still starts with a consonant :)

My mom had no problem with sibling patterns. All the girls in my family have names that start with T, and the boys names start with J.  I had no problem with breaking that tradition with my own kids.  I never wanted to be bound by a single letter when choosing a name.  I wanted to name the kids the names I liked best, period.

When you know your kids

Somewhere along the journey of my life I heard wise counsel about that freshman year away from home on a college campus.  It may have been advice given to me when I was a freshman, or I may have heard it somewhere else.  I gave it to both my college bound kids their freshman year.  Don't come home before Labor Day weekend.  I have heard that a trip home before that first long weekend usually becomes the beginning of a suitcase student who never fully lives on campus but is not really living at home either.

We dropped Savannah off just over two weeks ago, and because she has no car on campus, she knew it would be Labor Day weekend before we would pick her up.  She let us know fairly early on that at least one of the programs in which she is involved  made plans for her on Labor Day weekend as they tried to keep students from returning home.  I pointed out that she does not have to come home for the whole weekend.  We could pick her up for the day or for an overnight.  She said that we could come see her.  Savannah pointed out that most of her friends are from out of state, and they can't just go home, so she doesn't feel like she should either.  She has plans - breakout games, a football game, a movie date, and who knows what else.  

How did my introverted daughter get to a place where she has friends who comment that she knows someone everywhere they go on a big campus? She admits that these people her friends are commenting on are all people she recently met.  How did she come to a place where she would be excited about living with a complete stranger? How did this introverted girl become comfortable with walking onto a big campus and trying the many ministry opportunities seeking the best fit to plug in?

This story begins with a journey in parenting...

I believe that most, if not all, parents parent from their own life experiences.  Andy and I had different experiences growing up, and both wanted to compensate in some way for those experiences.

Andy moved into a small town in late elementary school, and he had moved a few times before that.  He ended up graduating from high school in that town.  I moved around quite a bit until I was eight years old.  I had a split kindergarten year in two different towns.  I moved again in the middle of third grade.  While that move in third grade turned out to be permanent, I moved into a city that was constantly bussing students across town and changing school zones.  They continue this to this day.  For me that meant that by the time I was in sixth grade, I was entering my fourth school since moving into the house that I lived in until I moved out on my own.  I was a painfully shy child, and never comfortable in a new environment.  As it would turn out, four years of high school was the longest I ever spent in one school.  

When that dreadful school decision visited Andy and me, I had two priorities.  I wanted my children to have a Christ-centered education, and I wanted to commit to keeping them in one school, period.

I am the oldest of six, and I remember a time when my mom had kids in five different schools.  As a working mom who had to be at work before the kids even left for school, I could not do that.  This commitment proved to be very important for Savannah.  Andy wanted a school big enough to support a football team.  He had badly wanted to play football in high school, but his school had no team.  He also wanted a strong education as he felt his schooling left him unprepared for the demands of engineering school.  He wanted a school with enough diversity to provide extra-curricular activities for our two very different kids.  We made our choice even though it involved driving across town when I felt we had two perfectly fine schools much closer to home.  

It was not until she was in elementary school that I realized that Savannah was an introvert.  She seemed pretty outgoing until the middle of kindergarten.   I had a hunch that if Savannah grew up around the same kids in a comfortable environment, she would gain confidence.  She might be an introvert, but she would not necessarily have to be a shy introvert.  I think that proved to be true.  

In high school we strongly encouraged Savannah to try to get into a program that would give her three weeks experience on a college campus.  She did that, and it was a game changer.  She returned to us with a very noticeable confidence that I did not even realize she lacked before that program.  She adored her roommate who had been a complete stranger, and she made lots of friends in a short time.  This is a girl whom I was convinced would live at home for college when she finished middle school.  Savannah was such a homebody.

Andy knows his kids well.  He saw it long before I did.  Last year he booted Zach out of his bedroom and gave that room to Savannah - putting Zach in our basement which I contend is not really suitable for living.  Andy reasoned that when Savannah left home, we weren't getting her back.  Sure, she will return for summers and holidays, but she will move out after college.  Andy was hanging on last year.  

Savannah confirmed Andy's suspicions when she announced that she plans to seek employment out of state when she finishes college.  

We made many parenting mistakes.  I still lose sleep wondering if my mistakes have caused the hardship one my children faces.  We sometimes just don't know what to do.  I am in that position with a child right now.  It cost us a lot.  I am sure our family would be bigger if we had made a different school decision. We missed out on many things I would have liked to have done.  However, that consistent nurturing environment paid off big for Savannah - in many ways.  She was well prepared academically.  She took advantage of every opportunity offered to her educationally.  Savannah grew in the confidence she needed to pursue her dreams.  Not everything is perfect.  Savannah decided her freshman year that she wanted a college education without student loans, and I confess that it does grieve me a bit that she is carrying the exact same amount in student loans for her freshman year that Zach did despite having a full-tuition scholarship.  Her hard work made a difference for Andy and me as we don't have the parent loans for her that we do for Zach (Zach's loans freak me out).  However, this campus (her first choice) would not have even been an option if not for that scholarship.  Savannah knows that the glory does not belong to her or to us,  and she appreciates the blessings she receives.

I admit that I am a little disappointed that Savannah and I won't follow our family tradition and close out the pool by visiting as many times as we can this last weekend it is open,  but my disappointment is overshadowed by far by the joy of hearing from her and learning that she's making lots of friends, and she always seems to have something to do, and she seems to be balancing that by staying true to herself and getting the alone time that she needs too.

Oh yeah, and we will see her this weekend.  It may be brief because her calendar seems pretty full, and I have to get in that precious pool time, but she needs clothes.  It's getting cooler in the mornings, and she's realizing that she could use some more dress clothes, so we will deliver :) I would actually wait until next weekend to do that, but Andy and I have too much on our plates then.