bubbling over

Many posts ago, I revealed that my heart is heavily guarded in regard to the suffering in my life, and therefore I am sharing just the facts.  This post may include a bit more than the facts, but this one is for me, a reminder of the truth to which I must cling.
The update:
Mom is weak.  She planned to join us for a special event at church tonight and cannot keep her eyes open long enough to do it.  She is also struggling with shortness of breath for which we have no explanation.  Is all of this a by-product of chemo, or is it something else?  We just don't know.  She has had a CT scan to rule out a blood clot, and they found nothing.

The work issue
Work is rough.  There is a heaviness, a desire to fight, and complete indignation at the injustice of this situation.  It is all-consuming and impacts the rest of my co-workers and myself.  I leave work every single day fighting the heaviness of this very uncertain future.  I must say that I don't have enough left in me to fight the heaviness too hard.  It just continues to rest on me.

Right now, I am trying to hang on to one truth.  God works all things to the good of those who love him. Romans 8:28  This is a struggle because it appears that there is a condition involved (those who love him).  Is all this suffering a part of God's work to the good?  I must love Him to have all things work to this good.  So, that begs the questions, "do I love Him?"  "Do I love Him enough? " "Is it possible to love Him enough?"

I heard Steven Curtis Chapman say that this question comes to us during suffering...something to the effect of "don't you love me?" - a question directed at God, the God who is our dad.  I get this.  I want my way.  I know it, and it became very clear to me a few weeks ago.  Julia and Wyatt were melting down.  I was heading out for work, and Andy was stopping by home after work to scoop up our little people for what would be the 3rd of four games they had to attend for Zach and Savvy that week.  They were done with the games and the tantrums were reminiscent of terrible twos.  Andy was livid and demanding proper behavior.  I, on the other hand, was sympathetic.  Why?  you might ask.  I mean, really, 6 and 7 year olds throwing tantrums typical of two year olds, surely I should expect more!  Well, I was sympathetic for two reasons.  1.  I felt like our expectations were too high.  These two trudge along to activities without complaint most of the time, and this time it was the third such event of that week, and Julia, in particular, was very unhappy that I had one hour between jobs with my little people.  2.  I wanted to do the same thing.  I wanted to throw myself on floor and throw a tantrum and cry out to God asking why my mom can't be well, but that would be childish, right? 

In light of all this, I have decided today that I must find a way to cling to Romans 8:28 and to Jeremiah 29:11 - For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to give you a hope and a future. A hard thing to do when so much seems to be falling apart, but I will try.