Grace for the Grieving

We enjoyed a guest speaker for our weekend group yesterday.  Kurt Sauder and his wife Kristen launched Further Still Ministries before her death a few years ago.  Kurt has since remarried.

He shared with us his, almost two decades running, wilderness days.  Kurt now leads retreats for wilderness days, and while I would love to jump in, my work schedule makes that impossible for now.

What I took away from the time with Kurt was his closing statement.  He shared that just prior to her death, Kristen told him that if God did not heal her, it would be incredibly hard for their tight-knit family.  She told Kurt and their children to give each other grace in the difficult days.  "Give the children grace. Give your Daddy grace."

Her wisdom came from years of time spent with God.  I could not help but think about how we fail at this.  Grief is ugly and often stressful, and we can really tend to lash out at those closest to us in that difficult period, but with the help of God we can extend grace.

It reminds me of how gracious Ekatereena Gordeeva was in the book she wrote about losing her husband.  Gordeeva's in-laws blamed her for his death.  She did not feed him right, did not take good enough care of him.  Though that statement was untrue and came with quite a bite, she stated that it was okay that they all said horrible things in the face of their unbearable grief.

I am reminded too of the undeserved grace I received right after losing Dad.  In a pinch to get to work, I watched helplessly as Zach's car rolled backwards into our neighbor's tree.  I had left it in gear after moving it out of the way of my vehicle so that I could leave for work. Nobody ripped me apart over it.

I then locked both my phone and keys in my car on my way out of town to pick Savannah up from school for her winter break.  It had been a busy, rough day for Andy, and I was making the trip to help him out.  However, he pulled into that gas station to unlock my car and then sent me home.  He insisted that we could park my car, and he would drive us all to get Savannah, or I could go home.  Andy recognized that I needed rest, and while he needed it too, I was clearly coming apart.

I am also reminded of times I failed to offer grace.  I hope to do better in the future.  I also hope for a very long time before grief comes knocking around here again.

It's Only Tuesday - Murphy's Law

If anything can go wrong, it will - Murphy's Law

Can I just vent for a minute?  Let me recap the week thus far.

On Sunday night Andy returned from grocery shopping and parked his car on the street because I was going to be first out on Monday morning, and he was saving me from the car shuffle that often takes place in the morning.  He failed to lock his doors, a rare mistake.  At approximately 1:25a.m. Zach woke us and said, "Somebody's in your car, Dad.  The light is on, and I can see them moving around."  Andy bolted out of bed but was unable to catch the perp. He didn't have anything valuable in the car, so nothing was taken.  Zach filed a police report, and thus started our week.

On Monday evening, I started tacking down some embellishments Julia wants on her homecoming dress, and ended up with very noticeable rust stains on the dress.  I cannot get them out and have re-ordered the dress.  Did I mention that I fired myself from dress shopping with her last week and told her that Andy will be doing this from now on?  Yes, that's how frustrating it was to find the dress which is not long enough, but we did the best we could. I wish I could sew, but my grandma (an excellent seamstress) tried to teach me and that went about like trying to learn to drive a stick shift.  I was unteachable.

On Monday evening Wyatt casually asked how much of the PSAT he would be missing on Wednesday for his orthodontist appointment.  This appointment was difficult to get, and we are on a firm timeline gearing up for a major surgery, but you cannot make up the PSAT.  So I went to work today and called the orthodontist office to ask if we had any hope of getting Wyatt in another day this week. We had made up our minds that the orthodontist appointment was more important than the PSAT but had just had a conversation about how we really needed the PSAT to help us gauge Wyatt's current progress in school.  So yeah.  The orthodontist office was more than gracious in accommodating us, and we scrambled our schedules on the hardest workday for Andy to miss and managed to drop Wyatt off and then return to pick him up after his procedure.

At that point I figured we had had three stressors, and while I didn't dare say things would start looking up, I felt that I could at least stay positive.  People deal with much worse.  In fact I have a friend who has every reason to feel discouraged right now, but she stays positive, and I just love that about her.

Last week was insane with Julia playing three soccer games, so a friend from a nearby neighborhood whose son also runs XC drove Wyatt home frequently last week.  I offered to get the boys tonight.  They did not practice in their usual Tuesday location, and Wyatt left his phone in Andy's car today.  So I arrived at the wrong park and waited.  Said park is not exactly close to the correct park.  When Wyatt borrowed a phone to notify me of my mistake, I high-tailed it through some intense traffic to get to the boys.  T and his family probably rightfully think I am a total train wreck - not so far from the truth. I guess this is par for the course for someone who lacks common sense.

So tonight I will study the Word, enjoy a glass of wine, and watch "This is Us," and it had better be a much happier episode than last week. Buh Bye, Murphy! Take your law and get out of town.

I mean if they are getting older, does that really mean we have to also?

This weekend we had the privilege and honor of seeing Zach's best friend marry his girlfriend of seven years.  I distinctly remember all those years ago when they were sophomores in high school and Trevor's mom shared with me that Trevor and Kelsey were becoming great friends, or so they said.  MaryJo believed that they were becoming more than friends.  We saw that relationship blossom through proms and high school graduation (they missed each other's graduations because they occurred on the same night) and on into college.  While Trevor and Kelsey got closer, so did Zach and Trevor.  They became amazing friends, and Zach served as one of the best men at the wedding.

Trevor's parents have grown close to us for years through weekend group at church, sports, and finally all those high school football games where we sat together.

As Kelsey came down the aisle, we were unable to see her from our seats, but I had a clear view of Trevor.  His reaction was priceless as he tried to compose himself.  I learned later that he had actually already seen her as they did a first look for pictures. Kelsey's dad choked through the statement of giving her away, and thus started a beautiful, God-honoring ceremony.  

My reaction to Kelsey's dress was that it was very much a replica of the dress Julia drew years ago and stated that was her dream wedding dress (you can see my blog post about that here: Dreaming-- just a note on that post, Julia ended up being taller than Savannah and me)  You know the dress is perfect when you get in your vehicle to head to the reception and the guys comment on how great the dress is before the girls do.

picture credit to Adam (Trevor's brother)

picture credit to someone I don't know on FB - it tagged  Zach automatically

I loved watching Andy and the kids have fun together on the dance floor.

They clean up alright, don't you think?

I did not get many pictures of the bride and groom.  I am hoping Zach will be able to get some to share.  I did not want to interrupt their fun to ask for pictures.  It was a huge wedding with many guests to greet.

Trevor throws the garter.

I suggested one normal picture. Well you can see how that turned out.

I have looked forward to this wedding for months and it did not disappoint.  I could not find coverage for my shift at work, so my boss was gracious enough to come in and cover my last hour and fifteen minutes.  It was such a race to get home and changed that I ended up leaving my phone at home.  I took my camera or these pictures would not exist.

It was a beautiful ceremony.  Zach has spent just about every Saturday night of college at Trevor's house, so we have jokingly said this might be harder on Zach than Trevor's parents.  I do have to say it was a sentimental day.  We have a couple of kids old enough to marry.  Trevor's parents had two children move out of their home at the same time, and the week of the wedding, their youngest picked up his driving permit.  MaryJo shared that she wants a few months without milestones.  What a ride!

So I can't finish this post without sharing how much harder it gets to send Savannah back to school.  She came home overnight for the wedding and had to get back pretty soon after church so that she could get some studio work completed.  It was the first time we've seen her since we helped her move in six weeks or so ago.  Julia did her hair. Savannah helped Wyatt with chemistry, and as Zach was tied up with the wedding, and I worked right up until the wedding, we saw her the least.  Zach was disappointed to learn she had returned to school before he made it back from church.  Our family went to three different services today :)  I think after seeing so many of my kids' peers get married this summer, it really hits home that every time we send her back, it may be longer before we next see her. For all intents and purposes, Savannah has moved out of our home permanently.

It's been a minute

I'll be back, but life is just so busy right now.

Just a little recap:

I committed in August to make no new commitments for a month that rivals Christmas in extra activities, meetings, etc.  I failed to communicate this to Andy who made one commitment for me which wasn't a big deal, and the month was as insane as ever.

I thought I would catch my breath in September, but two jobs, two kids in different fall sports, and a work schedule that has been the most intense in years has left me pretty drained.  I had a really challenging week the week before last and looked forward to last week as a breather, but that was not to be.  I missed the fact that Julia had two games on the schedule, one of which conflicted with a meet for Wyatt which also conflicted with a practice for Andy.  Fortunately, that all occurred on a day Zach has no classes.  Then we followed that week with a  very busy weekend, and tomorrow I head into an intense work week.  So crazy we are.  I have definitely been depending on friends to help get my kids to everything.  We all lean on each other, and I am so fortunate to have that help.

We've had some fun. I hope to remember all the hilarious quotes from Ira when he and Regan came to watch Julia play soccer.  

We've had some stress.  A monsoon this weekend brought the reminder that our roof leaks and needs to be addressed. A drawer broke from the refrigerator, and I can't find a replacement. The other drawers are on their last legs, and we have a broken door shelf, so I am extremely disappointed that it looks like, a not so old fridge, is going to have to be replaced- buyer beware - it's a Kenmore side by side - never again!  I should have done laundry today as I have quite the pile and have an extra work meeting sandwiched between my two shifts tomorrow, but I spent the afternoon coloring in my Inspire Bible and looking for replacement knobs for the two that have broken off the China hutch I inherited from my parents.

We did have a really nice visit from Andy's mom and his sister this weekend.  They came to see him play drums at a local church.  He's been getting more opportunities to play and is loving it!

Andy's mom brought us a beautiful, engraved silver tray to celebrate our silver anniversary.  It was when I placed this in the China hutch that I found the second broken knob, both of which broke off the same drawer, so I have to fix that situation in order to open the drawer.  

Anyway, not expecting to catch my breath soon as this week will be worse than the week prior to last.  It's all just part of life.  I am praying hard that I can get coverage for my Saturday shift so that I don't have to miss Zach's best friend's wedding.  I have had it on the calendar and been looking forward to it for months but had no say in my work schedule.  I have asked everyone and even offered to work most of the shift if someone can just work the last two hours for me, but nobody is available. This inability to get coverage is a first for me.  Please join me in praying for that.  I will get off work at the time the wedding starts, so I will be able to head straight to the reception to celebrate this terrific couple, but I really hate to miss all they planned for their special day.

Soccer Victory

Tiffany and Paul love watching soccer and are both former soccer parents, so they showed up to watch Julia play and brought a couple of surprises with them.  

I believe Ira entertained the crowd with his banter.  With 15 minutes left in the first half, he announced, "15 minutes till the real game starts!"

This was a truly disappointing game for Julia as she got minimal playing time - the least she's had all season.  She's used to playing more than half the game.  At one point Ira yelled, "Go Julia - even though you are on the bench!"  

He had all of us laughing.  The other parents recognized them from my social media posts and really got a kick out of them.  Isaac could not attend.  He's got one more shot at seeing a game this week - not sure whether he will make it or not.

Sweetest Words

Wyatt, Andy and I are home today as Wyatt recovers from a minor surgery.

I was cleaning up a spot near the chair where Wyatt is camped to rest, and Wyatt said to me,
"Thanks, Mom, for taking care of me."

My heart swelled.  Those are not typical words from a 15 year old boy.


While waiting this morning during Wyatt's surgery,  I had the opportunity to chat with a former student.  Breanna was always a breath of fresh air wherever she went, and that has not changed.  Prior to our arrival in the waiting room, she had struck up a conversation with a man awaiting a procedure. After she left, we learned this man lost his wife suddenly three weeks ago.  We enjoyed a nice conversation, but he is hurting.  I don't know his name, and I don't get the impression that he has a faith community to lean on.  Please join me in praying for him.


Finishing this post with Julia's pics on social media loving on her brother pre-surgery because I thought these were really sweet.

Move in Day and All the Good Things

Last week was a marathon.  The kids started school, and Saturday loomed ahead with Savannah's official move-in day.  I have a newly organized space courtesy of Andy and the kids for my birthday.  To add a little color and life, I picked up these sunflowers at Target of all places.  My intention was to return and get some for Savannah's apartment, but I failed.

Friday night before Savannah left I was feeling a little frustrated that the carpool to practices and such kept us from enjoying a relaxing evening at the pool.  We opted to go for a walk at sundown and enjoy some ice cream across the bridge.  It was a perfect night for it.  A live band was playing on the other side of the river - actually a very good Eagles cover band.  That resulted in a funny quote.  They were playing Take it to the Limit (not sure if that's the official title), and I was singing along.  Wyatt asked, "Mom, have you heard this song before?"

The Saturday schedule was packed.  Savannah had a set window of time for move in.  We had a class picnic and an obligation to the church nursery.  Julia really wanted to help Savannah decorate her room but was committed to a babysitting job.  In the end Julia backed out of the job, and we arrived at Savannah's apartment close to 9:00p.m.  At that point Savannah had unloaded her car and at least had her bed made so she could crash when exhaustion hit.  She had not eaten anything all day except for a piece of pizza and had pretzels and some dry snacks on hand.  Instead of organizing and unpacking, we took her to dinner and to the grocery store where we made sure she could eat for a few days.  We returned exhausted and facing a midnight arrival at home, so we left it at that.

Packed and ready to receive her keys to her first apartment.  This momma knows that Savannah isn't likely to move back home. It's a possibility for a summer since our town has better internship opportunities than her college town, but she may need a summer course and has signed a 1 year lease.  My guess is that these girls will simply renew that lease next year and finish out school there.  Savannah will likely then stay for grad school.

The apartment is pretty awesome in many ways.  It's spacious and furnished.  The four girls each have their own bedrooms, and there are two bathrooms.  It's close enough to campus that Savannah will still walk to her classes for the most part.  The best part though is that it seems to be run by an attentive landlord.  I remember apartments close to campus when I was in school were old, converted houses, and they were crazy expensive and often not kept in good repair.  Savannah talked about moving into an apartment last year, and I really impressed on her why I thought it was a bad idea based on my own experience.  I hated being separated from the campus experience.  It was pricier than living on campus despite what that looked like on paper.  This, however, is not the case for her.  Other parents have confirmed that this is much cheaper.  I also like that the lease is individual.  If one of the girls has to back out of the lease, the others are not stuck with her part of the rent, and they all have the option to sublet over the summer if they aren't staying.  If I had any interest at all in running apartment buildings, this would be the way to go. I am really excited for these girls- such a fun time of life.

The complex also has a nice workout room, a pool, and a nice courtyard with a gazebo.  

If I'm honest I was a little sad driving away.  This time it seems that she's really moving out.  However, the stuff left behind in her room says otherwise ;)  Julia plans to spend the next few weeks switching her room with Savannah's.  She's so anxious to get that bigger room.  Wyatt couldn't care less and plans to stay in his tiny bedroom.

Go rock your junior year, Savannah!  I love you bunches and bunches and bunches...and even more than that!