Expectation?

I have said before that I do not want to be a whiny blogger, and it sure seems that my posts of late are more negative than positive.  I cannot express what the last two and a half years have looked like in my life.  They have certainly seemed more difficult than years past, and it has seemed that every time I thought we were beginning to move out of a crisis, we were hit with another one. 

The last year takes the cake on many levels.  I used to say that my first year of teaching was the worst year of my life.  I felt like I had no life as I struggled to compile fresh lesson plans for the entire year.  It was like working two full time jobs with a part-time job thrown in as was necessary for Andy and me to pay our rent.  It was very tough.  Eighteen years later in my career, I have witnessed the staff with whom I have spent more of my life than with my own family ripped apart by the state's measures to fix a school in crisis.  On top of that, we have, as a group, faced numerous personal crises.  Now I think this past year has replaced that one as the worst.

Two and a half years ago, our family faced a major adjustment when Wyatt joined us.  He amazes me in what he has overcome in that time, but the road was very far from easy.  School was especially daunting for all of us.  Since the day he joined our family, we have faced school struggles, financial challenges, major loss, and lots of turmoil.  MaryBeth Chapman tells her children that they have been called to do hard, and they can do hard.  I would not want to carry the loss she has faced, but I am definitely tired of "hard' in my life.

In the past week, tough decisions have weighed on my mind.  I can only compare the last few weeks, maybe even months, to feeling like I am hanging from a bungee cord and swinging from side to side and bouncing up and down. I have no safe place (if you know me, you know that I would never trust a stretchy cord suspended from some great height).

All of this to say that over the past few weeks, these verses have come up five times that I can count.  I almost have it memorized, and I am not good at memorization.  Now glory be to God! By his mighty power at work within us, He is able to accomplish infinitely more than we could ever hope.  May He be given the glory in the church and in Christ Jesus forever and ever through endless ages. Amen  Ephesians 3:20-21
It has come up every single time in Bible study.  I am working through two studies now, and it has come up in both on a couple of occasions.

Priscilla Shirer went to great lengths to explain the implications of this verse offering several practical examples.  My favorite example, by far, went like this.  To explain the Biblical meaning of infinitely more, it would be like going out of town for the weekend and telling your children that they must have their bedrooms clean before your return.  (I must insert here that if my children did that, I would be amazed).  Upon your return you find the entire house clean (okay this seems infinitely more than I could imagine).  You then notice a nice aroma in the house, and the kids say to you that they know that you should relax after your trip, so they will have dinner ready shortly....okay, this is totally over the top. According to Priscilla, this is what the verse is about, a God that will go over the top in surprising you. 

Do I see evidence that God is at work to do more than I can ask or imagine?  Not really. Should I be expecting that He will?  I really don't know as this could be random that this keeps appearing.  I will not get my hopes up, but this is certainly interesting. 

so long status quo

I posted months ago about the stress of my job this year.  This would be my second home for 17 years and a place I love. Our school has really taken some hits.  Now the news is out, and via certified letter, I learned today that I have been overstaffed. So, opportunity knocks.

Choosing to SEE

Most of you already know the story of the Chapman family.  Mary Beth Chapman wrote a book chronicling their journey of grief.  I followed Mary Beth's blog for a year or so after Maria's death and felt that I could not read the book when it was released.  The death of a child is one of the most unbearable things anyone can imagine, and I knew from the blog just how much this family hurt over this devastating loss. When the book was released, Mom was sick, and there was no way I could read through this awful journey. 

However, I finally read the book, and I can only say "Wow!"  I saw Mary Beth speak a few months ago and knew from her blog posts that her sense of humor is quite nutty and endearing.  She is much funnier in person. In her book she shares from the raw journey of unbearable loss and with complete openness about her own struggles.  She also leaves the reader laughing out loud.  This is the kind of book that anyone can read, a book that will make you laugh and cry and most of all fall in love with this zany family where one silly little girl landed and then left much too soon.

Happy Valentine's Day!

My parenting style is pretty consistently inconsistent.  However, I work at tradition.  Tradition is the stuff that makes a family identity, and it is is the stuff remembered by the kids.  On Valentine's Day our tradition is to let the kids decorate a cake or cupcakes.  I use decorator's icing to section off a cake or to make symbols on cupcakes and then let the kids go wild with sprinkles. 

I did not feel like following tradition today.  I am exhausted to the point of being tempted to take a sick day and stay home in bed one day this week.  My sleep right now is really messed up.  As I had to interview today to try and keep the job I have held for thirteen years, I did the typical wake up at 4:00a.m. and then again every ten minutes for fear I would oversleep.  However exhausted, busy, stressed or whatever I am, if we have a holiday tradition, I keep it.

I quickly got the cupcakes in the oven this afternoon before running an errand with Julia that we forgot to settle over the weekend (grr).  When I mentioned that we should make our cupcakes today as it is tradition, I had a conversation like this with Savannah.
Me: We need to make cupcakes for Valentine's Day.  It is our tradition.
Savannah: It is?
Me:  Yeah (a little sarcasm in the the tone) We decorate them for Valentine's day.
Savannah: oh yeah

My only help on the cupcake front today came from Savannah.  When I called Wyatt and Julia to help (Zach no longer participates), I got a "no thanks."

Really!?  Why do I bother?

Andy takes a princess on a date

 Andy and Julia attended the Father Daughter social at Julia's school last night.  They had a fabulous time.

After six years of attending this social with Savannah, Andy learned to be ready with flowers for his special date.  Julia insisted that her hair be fixed in the same style as it was for Jonathan's wedding, so we met Tiffany at my parent's house for the style.  I had to work last night...not sure what is up with that as I requested the night off.  My manager was kind enough to allow me to arrive late so that I could see Julia off to the dance.  I also requested next Friday off, but I am also working that one.  Thank goodness for family as Tessa will take Julia to her AHG sleepover next Friday, and I will arrive after work to finish the night and to participate in the morning activities with her.

 One of my sisters ordered Julia to strike this pose. 

I have to share the story of the dress.  Julia has her own ideas about clothes.  If she shops with me, we will not agree on the clothes we buy.  I have learned that if I simply bring the clothes home, she will like them. However, I did have to let her pick a dress for this occasion.  She has been a good sport and worn an old dress of Savannah's for every fancy occasion for the last year.  We hit e-bay too late to get the dress here on time, so Julia and I had to brave the mall.  I once found a beautiful dress on clearance at a store that is typically out of our price range for Savannah.  After trying a couple of stores with no luck, Julia and I went to this store.  Nothing worth buying was on sale, but the prices were just beyond the budgeted amount, so I let Julia try on a few dresses.  Some of them were vetoed before she headed to the dressing room because they were too grown up for a six-year-old.  I absolutely loved one of the dresses she tried on. It was black with white sash with beaded butterflies. The skirt was trimmed in white.  It was little girlish enough for my taste but mature enough for Julia's taste.  Julia knew I loved it and rejected it outright.  Can you imagine what she will be like as a teenager?  I should buy stock in Tylenol right now.  I thought this purple dress was a little too grown up, but Julia chose it.  I think the sparkles sold her on this one.  When we went to the counter to buy the dress, I expressed that I really liked the other dress better, and Julia stated, "you don't know about fashion!"

She was most excited about the chocolate fountain and almost turned down her favorite meal...a beef 'n' cheddar from Arby's because she figured she would fill up at the chocolate fountain.

This game is lots of fun, but I cannot say that I understand playing it in dressy dresses.

When the rest of the kids and I made it home last night, we found Julia sacked out on the couch like this...still wearing her dress, coat, and tights.  Savannah and I helped her change after she fell asleep on the couch.

Back to doing something I love

I stopped scrapbooking at approximately the same time that Julia joined our family. That would be five and a half years ago. I needed to stop for a variety of reasons including the expense.  Time also factored into the decision as pulling out all the stuff and getting a few pages completed took hours and left a huge mess to clean at the end, and that does not even include the shopping time required. 

Determined to scrapbook our journey to Julia, I used My Publisher for a digital book.  This remains a treasured keepsake with a great letter to Julia to start off the book, but it is very plain and many of the pictures were not included because of the expense.

In 2007 I went digital with my pictures and we stopped printing them.  Scrapbooking stopped, and picture printing stopped. Instead I started blogging to keep up with the family stories and pictures.  I realized, however, that kids like to look at pictures of their history in a family, and they prefer that they be in book form.  I needed a solution and toyed with the idea of printing a book every month from my Snapfish account.  This would be costly.  I tried other services and found them to be hard to use if my pictures were not stored in Photoshop. 

This is one of the reasons I love blogging and following blogs because sometimes you get some great mom ideas.  While reading my friend Jill's blog last night, I learned about Project Life.  Project Life is a product produced by Becky Higgins, scrapper extraordinaire.  She offers this product which allows you to create a scrapbook over the course of a year in either a digital or hard copy format.  Jill loves her 2010 digital book, so I decided to give it a try.  I must admit that I was not impressed at first.  I found it hard to use and a little frustrating.  The only part I truly loved was that I could dump the pictures right into the program, and it notes which ones have already been used on the pages.  However, I spent a few hours playing with it today and would up with eight, yes eight, pages by the time I finished.  I still have some learning to do and would like to add more clipart to my pages, but I could never do that many paper pages or even close in the same amount of time. Unless I decide to go back and enter some snow day and Julia fashion pictures, January is complete.  Now if I can find a few hours a month to complete each month, we may actually have a physical book of our 2011 pictures at the beginning of next year.  I hope to complete 2010 simultaneously.....a little late, but I think this means I have a resolution for the new year.  Well, I am not so late for the Chinese New Year which we celebrated at a Chinese buffet on Thursday.  Happy New Year...welcome to the year of the rabbit!

In My Life

While Mom was in the hospital, her TV was on 24 hours a day. I do not know if it brought her comfort or if it brought her some distraction, or if she was too sick to turn it off. None of us felt that we could or should change it, so it stayed on, mostly on HGTV or TLC. During that time TLC ran ads for an upcoming special they had planned on the Kennedy family.  In the background, the song In My Life played.  For some reason it got stuck in my head and became a song that reminds me of Mom. 

I am not sure why this song strikes me so.  There is a nostalgic sadness inherent in the lyrics and the tune, and this time of my life is sad.  Mom was such fun and to associate a sad song with her does carry some strangeness with it. However, the lyrics speak of travel and loving people, both of which characterized my mom. The musicians are the Beatles, and she grew up with the Beatles. I remember how she once told me that when the album Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club was released she was in about the 6th grade, and she and a friend studied the cover for hours picking out the famous people.

After three weeks of having this song come to mind often, I posted a link to a YouTube video of the song on Facebook last night.  I mentioned that it reminds me of Mom. I pointed out the references to loving people and to travel made in the song, and several people commented. My sisters expressed how much they miss her.  Her friends shared cool things like that they recently got together at the last restaurant where they had dinner with her.  Although they did not request a particular table, they landed at the same table, and it felt like she was there.  The comment that touched me most and makes me cry even as I type came from Jonathan.  He said that the last line reminds him of Mom and Julia.  I had to go back and listen to the end of the song again and then look up the lyrics to verify my surprise at missing this very important line repeated at the end of the song:

In my life I love you more



In my life I love you more
 
As some of you are reading this post, you already know the significance of these words.  Julia created the "I love you more" game as we call it when she was about three years old.  Basically, it is verbal tag.  We have varied the game and kept score or not kept score, but the premise of the game is that we try to beat someone to the punch and tell them we love them more before they can say it to us.  Mom and Julia really kept this thing going when others took breaks from the game.  Julia would call Mom on the phone knowing that Mom would think I was the one calling and tag her as soon as she answered the phone.  Mom would call me and tell me to get Julia for her.  They got each other through Facebook.  Julia would use my account to get Mom and her aunts, and they would tag Julia from Facebook as well.  Mom and Julia seemed to get the biggest kick out of the game and kept it going more than anyone else. 
 
You may have noticed that my playlist now includes In My Life, and it has for a few weeks.  Unfortunately, Playlist does not have the Beatles version, so the one it plays is extra sad and lacks the folksy sound of the original.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zI0Q8ytD44Y